Donzerly Light: Taylor Swift Truth

I have mixed feelings about Taylor Swift. And when I use the phrase “mixed feelings,” I don’t mean it the same way as most people mean it when they say, “mixed feelings” (Because I’m special and unique!). I am special and unique, but that’s more of a medical/scientific discussion. When I use the term “mixed feelings” in regard to Taylor Swift, I mean that I’m impressed with not only the level of success that she’s managed to achieve, but also that she’s been able to maintain that level of success for years. I also think that she’s been able to put up with SO MUCH dumb bullshit over the years and do it mostly with grace and dignity. And she’s talented. I wouldn’t call myself a Swiftie by any means, but she knows how to write a song and how to put on a show.

Do those things cumulatively add up to mixed feelings? Am I doing the language math correctly? I would argue that these are mixed feelings, just not a mix of good and bad feelings. They’re all pretty positive feelings, but together they form a mix. It’s feelings cake!

Years ago, about the time Taylor Swift was starting to transition from just a regular country/pop star to THE TAYLOR SWIFT, some straight man on my Facebook feed posted a status update letting us all know that he didn’t really get what all the hype was about. I took some time to look around Facebook and try to figure out who the fuck asked him if he could explain what all the hype was about, but I didn’t find anything. I really wanted to know! I didn’t know anyone personally that was on the edge of their seat, waiting for this mediocre gentleman to weigh in on the phenomenon that is Taylor Swift, but there’s a lot of people out there that I don’t know. If I was a better reporter, I’d follow up with that man and see what he thinks of Taylor Swift today, but I feel like doing that (aka asking for his opinion) would make me part of the problem. So now I’m just sitting here wondering what that man thinks of Taylor Swift! Just kidding – I’m actually thinking about mashed potatoes.

Another time on Facebook (Should I have made this column about just things I’ve seen on Facebook?), somebody’s mom posted a rant about Taylor Swift after her song, “Look What You Made Me Do,” was released. It was some long-winded bullshit about how that song suggested that other people were responsible for Taylor Swift’s actions and this mom wondered how she was going to explain that to her child? Listen – if you don’t want to explain shit to your kids, don’t have them. I don’t have any children, but from what I understand, they ask a fuckton of questions and I have to believe that most of them are more difficult to answer than, “What do the lyrics in ‘Look What You Made Me Do’ mean?” If you can answer, “Why doesn’t dad live here anymore?” then you can tell Junior that what Taylor Swift meant was, “I didn’t used to be a bitch, but life happens and now I’m all wound up and you’re about to suffer the consequences.”

To be fair, I don’t think this woman really understood what the lyrics to that song meant. She seemed slow and angry, like she was trying to bounce back from a discount colonoscopy she’d had earlier that day. Taylor Swift is a very talented songwriter, but I wouldn’t say that most of her lyrics are difficult to unpack. And you know what? That’s fine! Not all song lyrics need to take three weeks and two dictionaries to decipher. We have Bob Dylan for those kinds of lyrics. Or Leonard Cohen, if you’re nasty.

I can’t write a song, but I can certainly write a list. The list below is one I wrote and it consists of things that people bitch about when it comes to Taylor Swift. If she wants to take this list and write a song about it, I would love to share that experience (and those songwriting royalties) with her.

• Shock at her own success: This isn’t a thing these days, but Taylor Swift used to do this thing where, when she won an award, she’d look really shocked. As you know, girlfriend wins a lot of awards, so after a while people started suggesting that it was an act and that she really wasn’t all that surprised. But you know what? If the look on her face when she won an award looked like, “Yeah, I knew I was going to win. I’m pretty great, better than you, for sure,” people would have bitched about that too. I guess if someone is going to bitch about you, it’s better that they bitch that you’re trying not to seem cocky than bitching that you seem too cocky. But really, fuck those people. If you’ve earned the right to be proud of your accomplishments, then be proud of them. Unless your only accomplishment is bitching about women on the internet. That’s not something you should be proud of.

  
  

• Being overrated and overexposed: As I mentioned earlier in this essay, appointing yourself as someone who needs to weigh in on the spectacle that is Taylor Swift is not something that the world needs right now. Per Burt Bacharach, what the world needs now is love, you asshole. Your rating of Taylor Swift, or any other public figure for that matter, doesn’t need to match anyone else’s, therefore negating the idea of one’s rating being too high. It’s a sliding scale, you sonofabitch! As far as her being overexposed, that’s not really her fault. Paparazzi follow her around all the time and the media reports on everything she does. If your worst problem is feeling like they show her on TV too much when she attends a Kansas City Chiefs game, then you’re doing pretty good.

  
  

• She’s got a victim persona: My perception has never been that she’s got a victim persona, but the internet says it’s a thing. I wonder if this has anything to do with the Kanye West incident from the 2009 MTV Video Music Awards.  You know that time that a grown man bitched about a woman succeeding, but he did it in person instead of in the comments section. He’s so brave! No, sorry. I didn’t mean “so brave.” I meant “a misogynist.” Then after they’d made up, Kim Kardashian secretly recorded her agreeing to let Kanye West call Taylor Swift a bitch in a song (or something like that – I’m not going to go look it up because I think it’s gross). Problem is, he didn’t tell her he was going to call her that. He just said he was going to use her name. All that being said, I don’t think Taylor Swift is anyone’s victim. But I think Kanye West may know a thing or two about a victim persona.

  
  

• Her carbon footprint is too large: This idea is mostly based on the fact that she has a private jet. What is she supposed to do? Join the Delta SkyMiles® program? She can’t exactly stroll through the Rapid City Regional Airport, can she? If she did that, the carbon footprint of all the people rushing to the airport to try and see her would be just as much or more as using a private jet. Also, if you’ve ever driven around a Target parking lot, waiting for a parking spot to open up that’s closer to the front door so you have to walk less, you’ve officially disqualified yourself from ever complaining about someone else’s carbon footprint.

  
  

• Her political opinions: You know who has a problem with Taylor Swift sharing her political opinions? People who don’t share the same political opinions as her. And they’re not exactly approaching the situation with an objective attitude (or for embodying the idea that knowledge is power). An American who also happens to be a famous person has the same right to share their political opinion as any other American. Oh, you don’t agree with their political opinion? OK. That’s all. It’s fine that you don’t agree with it. Why would there be a discussion beyond that? If you’ve purchased flags or bumper stickers or hats or koozies or a Bible or tinted moisturizer that is several shades off from your actual skin tone whose proceeds go to support our current administration and you’ve showcased any of those items at your home or on your car or on your person, then, like that lazy turd making laps around the Target parking lot, you have disqualified yourself from complaining about anyone else sharing their political opinion. You’ve probably also disqualified yourself from anyone assuming you’re “a reader.”

  
  

Takeaway Quote of the Week

"People throw rocks at things that shine."

–-Taylor Swift, coming up with a new way to tell someone to kiss her entire ass.  

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Heath Smith is co-host of Fuzzy Memories, the podcast that celebrates the good, the rad and the fugly of the 80s and 90s. He was once asked by a cast member of MTV’s Road Rules if he was from Puerto Rico. In his free time, he enjoys Mariah Carey a normal and healthy amount. For a good time, follow him on Instagram.

Why "Donzerly Light"? Heath says: In elementary school, I thought "donzerly light" was part of the lyrics of the national anthem. I didn't realize that the actual words were "dawn's early light." I just assumed "donzerly" was an old-timey word that meant "majestic" or something like that. My middle school social studies teacher, who thought I was trying to make a joke with “donzerly,” would be 100% irritated by naming my column this way, and that makes it even better.