Donzerly Light: Tom Cruise

Tom Cruise used to be the biggest movie star in the world. That probably sounds fully insane to a lot of people, but it’s true! Before we found out about how weird he was, everyone wanted him to be in every movie that was ever made. The Scientologists especially wanted him to be in every movie that was ever made, but we all know that trusting their judgement is going to lead you to one place and one place only: smack dab in the middle of Cultsville, USA.

Up until about 2005, people basically thought he was perfect. Well, the two ex-wives he had by that point probably didn’t think he was perfect, but they’ve been through enough and we should probably just let them be. Back then, nobody really knew about how deeply into Scientology he was. In fact, I don’t think people even realized how problematic Scientology was. But it’s like when you’re 20 minutes into The Hand That Rocks The Cradle and we all know that the new nanny is going to try and kill everyone, but the people in the movie don’t know. They just think she’s a woman who dresses like she works at a bank to change diapers. Scientology is dressed like it works at a bank to change diapers! That fact has made it very obvious that something is afoot.

Anyhow, 2005 was the year that Tom Cruise jumped on the couch when he appeared on The Oprah Winfrey Show. He was there promoting War of the Worlds, but also he was there to talk to Oprah about his new wife, Katie Holmes, who was absolutely involved with him voluntarily and how dare you suggest otherwise. It felt a lot like when a gay teen is in the closet and he says things like, “I love all bosoms, but ample bosoms are my favorite.” He was doing a bit too much and none of it was convincing. To make matters worse, he’s an actor! We believed he could fly planes, but he couldn’t make us believe that he was legitimately happy to be married to Katie Holmes.

The fact that he insists on doing a lot of over-the-top stunts is also a red flag for me. It makes me wonder if he found out that we all know he’s kind of short, so he thinks that if he clings to the outside of an airplane when it takes off and shoots a fight scene on top of a moving train, we’ll think he’s taller than he actually is. I think it has the opposite effect on me. I think those stunts make him seem shorter than he actually is. Don’t get me wrong, I stan a short king. Preferably a short king who doesn’t have such strong “pick me” energy.

Do you remember that audio recording from a couple years ago where he was yelling at people on the set of Mission: Impossible 7, because they weren’t following COVID protocols on set? That was phony, right? I mean, I think it’s pretty standard practice that people working on movie sets aren’t allowed to record things with their phones while they’re working. If that’s the case, how did someone just HAPPEN to be recording when Tom Cruise was screaming at these people for not wearing masks? Also, calm the F down, dude! If they weren’t wearing masks, tell them to put masks on. No need to shout. It’s not like you found out they were telling everyone you wore lifts in your shoes. (But it’s true that you do that though, right?)

I’m not sure I did a good job of explaining how or why Tom Cruise used to be the biggest movie star in the world, so you might have to take my word on that. Does it help to know that Nicole Kidman used to be married to him? She seems like she’d bring out the best in someone. However, she is four inches taller than him, which might be part of the reason he couldn’t handle the truth, so to speak.

In honor of Tom Cruise, here’s an – ahem – short list of movies that he’s starred in that still make my heart jump on the proverbial couch.

• Mission Impossible: Fallout – I’ll be honest. The only reason I went to see this movie was because Henry Cavill was in it and I was rooting for him when he was fighting with Tom Cruise in the men’s room. This is the closest I’ve ever come to thinking that Tom Cruise was attractive. I mean, he’s not unattractive, but his vibe is not my jam. My jam falls a lot closer to “you seem like you know what you’re doing and you look nice in a t-shirt” than “Instead of standing on a box so I look like I’m the same height as my costar, I’m going to make someone dig a hole that my costar has to stand in so I look like I’m the same height as they are.” If you want to feel a certain kind of way about Henry Cavill, this is a good movie to start with. If you want to immediately go to the advanced level, go on the internet and find that video of him putting together a computer while wearing a tank top. To this day, I still cannot believe that video didn’t get me pregnant.

  
  

• Far and Away – Top ‘o the morning to everyone except for the Irish accent that Tom Cruise attempted to pull off in this movie. If that Irish accent was on a reality show, everyone would immediately know that it was not there to make friends. I remember seeing the episode of The Oprah Winfrey Show where Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman appeared to promote this movie. They talked about the scene where Tom Cruise’s character is laying on a bed, on top of the covers, with only an overturned bowl to cover his business. In the scene, Nicole Kidman’s character lifts the bowl to peek at his junk and there was supposed to be a modestly cloth there, but Tom Cruise played a prank and removed the modesty cloth so she saw his full monty. I mean, I guess that’s fine because they were married at the time, but I find that not surprising anyone with my penis is a good rule of thumb. It’s one of the ways that Tom Cruise and I are different, apparently.

  
  

• Eyes Wide Shut – When I was just typing out the title of this movies, I accidentally typed, “Eyes Wide Shit,” and honestly, that’s a more accurate title. I know that Stanley Kubrick, who directed this movie, was an artistic genius and all that, but this movie is too self-important and pervy by half. I mean, if you’re going to feature a sex club in the movie, maybe everyone shouldn’t be fully dressed and trying to conceal their identity. If you’re that afraid of everyone finding out who you are, then stay home. Everyone else has enough going on, trying to follow the etiquette rules at a sex club without putting you at ease and acting like we don’t know who you are. If you see a puddle of something, is it a “see something/say something” situation? Or do you just leave it there and worry about your own puddles? What’s the snack situation? Is water provided? What about paper towels? Anyway, this movie is too long and the money it cost to make would have been better spent on “Caution: Wet Floor” signs.

  
  

• Magnolia – I firmly believe that Tom Cruise made this movie specifically so he could say “cock” and “cunt” a bunch of times in a movie. Knowing what I know about him now makes me wonder if he was even acting in this movie. He might have just been a slightly modified version of himself, like Jerry Seinfeld on Seinfeld or Big Bird on Sesame Street. He plays a motivational speaker who encourages men to take what they want and not apologize for it. Someone refresh my memory. Has not being able to do that ever really been a problem for white men? Is this one of those things where someone invents a problem so they can say they have a solution for it? I bet whoever invented common core mathematics probably thinks this movie is a documentary, even the part where it rains frogs.

  
  

• Jerry Maguire – This movie is maybe where Tom Cruise was his most likable. I would argue that the credit for that goes more to Cameron Crowe and Jonathan Lipnicki than to Tom Cruise. Side note: Jonathan Lipnicki is 34 years old now and to paraphrase Lucille Bluth from Arrested Development, “I don’t understand that statement and I won’t respond to it.” This movie is endlessly quotable. “Show me the money!” “The human head weighs eight pounds.” “You had me at hello.” “You complete me.” And, to a lesser extent, “The fuckin zoo is closed, Ray.” Do you remember that Bruce Springsteen song from this movie, “Secret Garden?” They’d play it on the radio and include bits of audio from the movie and it felt like we were all working really hard to make Tom Cruise seem like he was all our best friend. I’d say the takeaway here is this: if you push your so-so cult on people, they’ll forget they want to be your best friend very quickly.

Takeaway Quote of the Week

"When I work, I work very hard. So I look to work with people who have that level of dedication". – Tom Cruise, who really just wants all of us to match his freak, apparently.

Heath Smith is co-host of Fuzzy Memories, the podcast that celebrates the good, the rad and the fugly of the 80s and 90s. He was once asked by a cast member of MTV’s Road Rules if he was from Puerto Rico. In his free time, he enjoys Mariah Carey a normal and healthy amount. For a good time, follow him on Instagram.

Why "Donzerly Light"? Heath says: In elementary school, I thought "donzerly light" was part of the lyrics of the national anthem. I didn't realize that the actual words were "dawn's early light." I just assumed "donzerly" was an old-timey word that meant "majestic" or something like that. My middle school social studies teacher, who thought I was trying to make a joke with “donzerly,” would be 100% irritated by naming my column this way, and that makes it even better.