Some people think that celebrities say dumb stuff a lot. I think celebrities say dumb stuff about as often as a non-celebrity, it’s just that people pay attention to celebrities more because they used to be the third lead on an over-laugh-tracked CBS sitcom and now have a half million followers on Instagram, or something along those lines. In fact, I would suggest that celebrities might say dumb stuff less than a non-celebrity. Before you label me a celebrity apologist, just consider all the dumb shit you heard from your family over the holidays a few weeks ago. Your aunt isn’t famous, but she sure has a lot of hot takes on why the term “stew” is just the liberal media’s way of saying that soup is transgender.
It kind of dusts my doilies when politicians and political commentators get all red in the face when a celebrity make some dumb remark about the price of gasoline, then go on and on about how famous people are trying to brainwash our kids, but most people wouldn’t have even known that Nick Cannon thinks ethanol is rendering vaccines ineffective if Lindsey Graham hadn’t spent 20 minutes breathlessly yammering about it on Fox and Friends, when all anyone watching is wondering is if he was the actor who played Blanche on The Golden Girls.
Do you remember that time that Tom Cruise said that psychology was a “pseudo science” on the Today show and then told Matt Lauer that he was being glib and we all kind of felt bad for Matt Lauer? And then Matt Lauer turned out to be a huge creep? Somewhere Tom Cruise is telling the ghost of L. Ron Hubbard, “told you so.” That was a double dipper of celebrity stupid – and we didn’t even know it until way later. Well played, delayed gratification. Well played.
Thank goodness I’m not famous because I say dumb shit all the time. I was on gummies once during a vacation and I gave my husband a full lecture on the rate at which refrigerators cool food in Palm Springs. I thought I was the Neil deGrasse Tyson of kitchen appliance and desert climates, and that would have been true if Neil deGrasse Tyson said things like, “Why aren’t condiments in the refrigerator when you buy them at the store? I know why and so does Big Grocery. They’re in cahoots with the utility companies and it’s price gouging. ‘Refrigerate after opening,’ is what sheep do. It should be refrigerated before I buy it or open it.” Talk about glib!
But this is just the tip of the idiotic iceberg. I give you my list of remedies to make you feel better the next time you put your foot in your mouth, courtesy of neither our best, nor our brightest.
Ashton Kutcher: Way back in 2011, Iowa’s own Ashton Kutcher took to Twitter to voice his displeasure with Penn State University after they decided to fire their longtime football coach, Joe Paterno. He said it was a “no class” move. He said it was in “poor taste.” He forget to mention anything about how Paterno was fired because of his alleged involvement in covering up years of child molestation by one of his assistant coaches. We trusted you, Ashton! As a Teen Choice Award-winning actor, you should have known better! And who is out there Tweeting (or X-ing, as it were) about college football coaches? (Editor’s note: It’s the straight guys. They’re doing it. Like, all of them.) He deactivated his Twitter account shortly after, but to paraphrase Jeff Goldblum in Jurassic Park, “Stupid finds a way.”
Ashton Kutcher (again) and Mila Kunis: In 2021, Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher announced that they don’t shower very often. As far as announcements go, this one ranks right up there with “the toilet is clogged.” It makes me want to revoke their announcement-making privileges. I think this is a good example of a famous person thinking they’re more interesting than they really are. A regular person would just shower as often as they normally shower and wouldn’t think that number was notable. The internet, of course, had varying opinions on the topic and lots of people agreed with Mila and Ashton and didn’t think that showering everyday was normal. I did a science experiment where I looked at pictures of Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher and came to the following conclusive results: if those two were unattractive, not one God damn person would have said, “showering only twice a week is a fun and sexy time.”
Kylie Jenner: At the beginning of 2016, Kylie Jenner said, “I feel like every year has a new energy, and I feel like this year is really about realizing stuff. And everyone around me, we’re all just realizing things.” If you squint hard enough, that might seem profound. Can you imagine if your child’s teacher told you that at the beginning of the school year? That might be the only time that I’d agree that home schooling was the better option. To be fair, I guess she’s not wrong. If we realize that we’re realizing stuff, does that mean we’re realizing more than if we don’t realize that we’re realizing stuff? This is like one of those SAT problems where if one train is leaving Boston, heading towards New York at 1PM, and another train is leaving New York, heading towards Boston at 2PM, when will the trains realize they’re trains?
Jaden Smith: The children of famous people lead fascinating lives. It’s not that they haven’t experienced how the average person lives, but they don’t have any concept of it. They don’t know what waiting in line at the post office is. They’ve never ordered a pizza online. If they saw someone wheeling a cart full of groceries out of a store, they’d be scared to death! In 2013, Jaden Smith texted (I kept the wonky capitalization and punctuation because it makes this all a little more vivid), “If Everybody In The World Dropped Out Of School We Would Have A Much More Intelligent Society.” It reads like one of those Patriots for Jesus moms who all ran for school board a couple of years ago. Just spit balling here, but what if we give school another try? Just some English classes, maybe some geometry. I think having some homework to do might offer Jaden a new perspective on things. Or keep going with the untethered rich person thing. Lean into what you know and all that.
Gwyneth Paltrow: In 2011, Gwynnie said that she’d “rather smoke crack than eat cheese from a can.” And that made me wonder if those were the only two options presented to her and under what circumstances was this questioning taking place. Also, did she have one of those Goop jade eggs in her lady’s carport at the time? I don’t know if those things impact your decision making abilities, but I think I would feel strange about eating anything if I had a full house, if you know what I mean. I make fun, but also there aren’t a lot of people out there smoking crack because it’s neat way to unwind after a long week. Making light of a phenomenon that has disproportionately affected a marginalized community probably isn’t the flex she thinks it is. But the silver lining here is the cheese-in-a-can community really came out looking good here. Cheez Whiz is finally the hero!
Takeaway Quote of the Week
"Being born was the most influential thing that's ever happened to me, for myself."
Jaden Smith, whose birth was also the most influential thing to ever happen to me, for myself, as well.
Heath Smith is co-host of Fuzzy Memories, the podcast that celebrates the good, the rad and the fugly of the 80s and 90s. He was once asked by a cast member of MTV’s Road Rules if he was from Puerto Rico. In his free time, he enjoys Mariah Carey a normal and healthy amount. For a good time, follow him on Instagram.
Why "Donzerly Light"? Heath says: In elementary school, I thought "donzerly light" was part of the lyrics of the national anthem. I didn't realize that the actual words were "dawn's early light." I just assumed "donzerly" was an old-timey word that meant "majestic" or something like that. My middle school social studies teacher, who thought I was trying to make a joke with “donzerly,” would be 100% irritated by naming my column this way, and that makes it even better.
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