Donzerly Light: Soap Stars

I love TV and I there are several reasons why. First, watching TV was a lot more fun than hanging out with my family when I was a kid. That might seem kind of harsh but they know it’s true and now you do too. Second, TV taught me how to tell a good story. We’ve all heard someone try to tell a good story, but do it poorly. Not enough TV is probably the culprit. Or we could blame the schools. Just add it to the list, right?

Finally, TV introduced me to the world of soap operas. I started watching soap operas when I was a kid and I’d spend weekdays at my grandparent’s house while my parents were working. I had to help mow the lawn and sometimes we’d go to the pool, but I was happiest when I was sitting in my grandparent’s living room, watching soap operas.

The two I watched most consistently were Days of our Lives and Another World. I don’t remember much about Another World other than it was on right after Days of our Lives and that there was one woman on it who had a short haircut and wore statement earrings that she had to take off when she’d answer the phone. That actress’s name was Linda Dano and she played Felicia Gallant-Blake-Lindquist-St. George. I think she liked to get married almost as much as she like giant fucking earrings.

Most of my core soap opera memories involve Days of our Lives, which chronicles the lives and loves, trials and tribulations, and the occasional murder of the people of Salem. The earliest storyline I remember involved the Salem Strangler. The way I remembered it, a lot of the people that the Salem Strangler attacked didn’t die, but ended up in the hospital in a coma for a few weeks. But I checked the internet and apparently he did kill a few people. He was supposed to kill Marlena Evans, played by American treasure Deidre Hall, but the fans weren’t having that so the writers had him kill her twin sister instead. Maybe my brain was trying to shield my young mind from being exposed to murder because it knew that I shouldn’t have been watching this show. I remember on more than one occasion, my grandmother suggested that I go outside and play and I thought that was a ludicrous idea. I know outside has a lot of stuff going on, but do you know what it doesn’t have? Days of our Lives.

I followed Days of our Lives off and on for years, but I really got back into it when Marlena was possessed by a demon. That shit was bonkers in the best possible way. It was so stupid, yet so completely engrossing. Everyone I knew was watching because of that storyline! And I knew some pretty top-notch people. Still do! The storyline went on for months. Just Marlena tied to a bed, being the mouthpiece for a demon and everyone else wondering what to do about it. You’d see characters out to lunch and they’d just casually ask if Marlena was still possessed by a demon, the same way you’d ask if your aunt was back from her cruise yet.

You might be wondering how one gets possessed by a demon. That’s a fair question. In this instance, Stefano (who was behind most of the bad shit going down in Salem) hypnotized Marlena, opening her mind to the devil’s influence. You might also be wondering who exorcised Marlena’s demon and that would be John Black, who used to be a police officer and Marlena’s lover, but had decided to become a priest, as one does. Marlena was finally freed of the demon on Easter. She is risen (off that bed), amiright?

Soap operas have not only given us some outstanding stories, but they’ve also been a launching pad for some of the great actors of our time. And Josh Duhamel, too. Like sands through the hourglass, these are the actors who I wanted to talk about being on soap operas.

• Julianne Moore: Julianne Moore is one of the greatest actors of her generation. She’s been nominated for five Academy Awards, winning in 2015 for Still Alice. If that’s not impressive enough, then may I direct your attention to Game Change. That’s the TV movie where she played Sarah Palin and did such a good job that I didn’t spontaneously combust while thinking about Sarah Palin for the duration of the movie – something I didn’t think was possible. She won an Emmy for that role. You don’t normally hear the words “win” and “Sarah Palin” so close to each other, but this is the exception. On As The World Turns in the late 80s, Julianne Moore played Frannie and Frannie’s “identical half-sister and cousin” Sabrina. What even is an identical half-sister and cousin? Whatever it is, if Julianne Moore was playing it, I’d believe it was a real thing.

  
  

• Sarah Michelle Gellar: Most people know Sarah Michelle Gellar from playing the title character on Buffy the Vampire Slayer from 1997-2003. That show is a pop culture blind spot for me, but I’ve got nothing but praise to offer for her work in Cruel Intentions and I Know What You Did Last Summer. Her characters in both of those movies were way more grown up than most teens should be. Was that because they watched soap operas when they were too young, like I did? It’s quite possible. Sarah Michelle Gellar played Kendall Hart on All My Children in the mid-90s and won a Daytime Emmy for her work. Kendall was a troubled teen and yelled at Susan Lucci a lot. I bet Kendall was pissed when Susan Lucci finally won her own Daytime Emmy.

  
  

• Angela Bassett: She might be a queen now, but when she was just starting out, Angela Bassett was a nurse on Search For Tomorrow for 10 episodes in 1985. She also appeared on Guiding Light and Ryan’s Hope, but only for one episode each. I have no idea how many times actors that worked with the Queen of Wakonda for one day on Guiding Light have name dropped her at cocktail parties. Do numbers even go that high? Between Boyz N the Hood, Malcolm X and What’s Love Got to Do With It?, Angela Bassett might be the most successful actor that ever got their start on a soap opera. All that and she never even got possessed by a demon? To quote Hillary Duff, “This is what dreams are made of.”

  
  

• Kevin Bacon Kevin Bacon’s first acting job wasn’t on a soap opera. He appeared in National Lampoon’s Animal House and then appeared on Guiding Light from 1980 to 1981. He played a teenage alcoholic named Tim Werner. The words “teenage” and “alcoholic” are bad enough on their own; is there ever really a good enough reason to put them together? I don’t know if Kevin Bacon learned how to dance when he was a teenage alcoholic on Guiding Light, but it certainly came in handy a couple years later when he appeared in Footloose. Maybe they taught dance at rehab in the 80s.

  
  

• Michael B. Jordan Do you know what Kevin Bacon and Michael B. Jordan have in common? The “B” in Michael B. Jordan stands for “bacon.” Alas, that is not true. What is true is that Michael B. Jordan’s first acting job was also not on a soap opera. His first acting job was on The Wire in 2002 and then he played Reggie Montgomery on All My Children from 2003 to 2006. But that’s not all! The role of Reggie Montgomery was originated by Chadwick Boseman, who starred alongside Michael B. Jordan in Black Panther. I guess Chadwick Boseman told the powers that be at All My Children that he thought the Reggie Montgomery character was too stereotypical and they didn’t care for that feedback and recast the role with Michael B. Jordan. I’d rather not thank the sketchy soap opera executives who made this situation possible, so instead I’ll just thank Michael B. Jordan and his personal trainer.

Takeaway Quote of the Week

“What’s the matter, Dina? Don’t you recognize your own mother?”

-Matt LeBlanc as Joey Tribiani playing Dr. Drake Romoray, using the brain of Jessica Lockhart, a character played by Cecilia Monroe, who was played by Susan Sarandon, after a successful brain transplant on the fictionalized version of Days of our Lives from Friends.

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Heath Smith is co-host of Fuzzy Memories, the podcast that celebrates the good, the rad and the fugly of the 80s and 90s. He was once asked by a cast member of MTV’s Road Rules if he was from Puerto Rico. In his free time, he enjoys Mariah Carey a normal and healthy amount. For a good time, follow him on Instagram.

Why "Donzerly Light"? Heath says: In elementary school, I thought "donzerly light" was part of the lyrics of the national anthem. I didn't realize that the actual words were "dawn's early light." I just assumed "donzerly" was an old-timey word that meant "majestic" or something like that. My middle school social studies teacher, who thought I was trying to make a joke with “donzerly,” would be 100% irritated by naming my column this way, and that makes it even better.