Donzerly Light: Movies with Friends

I was once at a BBQ and the TV show Friends came up in conversation. One of the hosts of the BBQ made a remark about the lack of diversity within the show’s cast. First, that’s a fair point. The cast of the show was not diverse, something the cast and creators have acknowledged in the years since the show aired. Second, the person who made the remark was hosting a BBQ with an invite list of exclusively white, gay men that were all roughly the same age. While the guest list would make a youth pastor really anxious, it also disqualifies you from credibly criticizing the lack of diversity in the cast of a television show from more than 25 years ago.

That memory made me think of two things: BBQ and the cast of Friends. Since it’s 10:30 in the morning, I should probably hold off on the BBQ for at least a couple more hours. Instead, I’ll spend some time thinking about the cast of Friends and their movie careers.

When that show was at the height of its popularity, I bet the six main cast members were sent hundreds of movie scripts and I bet most of those movie scripts were terrible. I mean, some of the movies they ended up making were pretty bad and I’d assume that the scripts they turned down must have been worse.

Do you remember Almost Heroes, starring Matthew Perry and Chris Farley? They played two bumbling explorers racing across the western frontier, hoping to beat Lewis and Clark to the Pacific Ocean. I know what you’re thinking: “These two actors are no longer with us. They let their demons get the best of them and now you’re using their names in joke that’s not even funny.” I know it sounds made up, but it’s a real movie. Eugene Levy was in it! If there’s one thing I remember about 1997, it’s that everywhere I went, all I heard people talking about was how they were sick of waiting for Hollywood to put out a Lewis and Clark comedy.

Matt LeBlanc co-starred in a baseball movie with a chimpanzee called Ed. Matt LeBlanc was the pitcher and the chimpanzee played third base. If you stop reading now to go and watch the movie, I’d understand. It sounds like the perfect film! It’s not streaming anywhere (I assume because of communism), but you can rent it on Apple TV. But I hope you don’t because I’m being really sarcastic. The guy who wrote the screenplay also directed the film, Ace Ventura: Pet Detective Jr. which is the kind of information that makes me never want to leave the house again.

Speaking of Ace Ventura, did you know that Courteney Cox was in the original Ace Ventura: Pet Detective? If you ever want to feel like you’re being threatened to laugh, this is the movie for you. Couple that with the highly problematic ending and I imagine it’s a film that Courteney Cox would rather you forget.

But what I won’t and can’t forget is this list of movies from the cast of Friends. Am I basic for making this list? Yeah, probably. Are you basic for reading it? That’s between you and your deity of choice. How you doin? I’ll be doing better when I get my hands on that BBQ a little later.

Apologies to David Schwimmer for I have never seen a movie that he is in. He’s never seen a movie that I’m in either, so it’s something we have in common.

• Jennifer Aniston, Office Space: Agreeing to be in a film where one of the other characters is named “Michael Bolton” is a gutsy move. It’s the kind of thing that could go south pretty quickly, but I’m glad it didn’t. In the film, Jennifer Aniston plays a waitress at a TGI Friday’s-like establishment and she just barely gives a shit up until she no longer gives a shit at all and lets her boss know exactly what she thinks about his feedback on the amount of flair she’s currently sporting. It makes me wonder if the wait staff at TGI Friday’s were flattered or offended. Two emotions I bet they’re not allowed to show at work.

  
  

• Courteney Cox, Scream: I wonder what went through Courteney Cox’s head when they offered her a part in a horror movie where she played one of the few adults with a bunch of actors, who were roughly the same age as her, playing teenagers. Maybe she was busy cashing checks and didn’t care. She met her future husband on the set of this movie and she’s the only cast member whose appeared in every Scream movie to date. She also set a girl on fire in Scream 5 (which was also named just Scream with no number), and that girl went on to win an Academy Award. Women supporting women!

  
  

• Lisa Kudrow, Romy and Michele’s High School Reunion: People say that Lisa Kudrow was basically playing Phoebe Buffay in this movie and that is an unfounded criticism. Phoebe was a hippy who grew up on the streets of New York. Michele Weinberger was a ding-a-ling, valley girl who grew up in Arizona. They couldn’t have been more different! Well, they did look an awful lot alike. Anyway, Lisa Kudrow deserves all the acting awards in the world for memorizing the formula for glue and reciting it on camera, all the while reminding Romy that haters are gonna hate.

  
  

• Matt LeBlanc, Charlie’s Angels: I know he’s in this movie for about 10 minutes, but it’s not like Matt LeBlanc made a lot of great films. There’s the aforementioned Ed, the Lost In Space update and this. I never saw the Lost In Space movie because I’m a big fan of knowing where I am on Earth. In Charlie’s Angels he played Lucy Liu’s clueless actor boyfriend, Jason Gibbons. And while I was able to differentiate between Phoebe and Michele just a moment ago, no such luck here. Joey Tribiani and Jason Gibbons could very well be twins separated at birth.

  
  

• Matthew Perry, Fools Rush In – Before this movie, I didn’t realize that there was such a job as someone who develops new casinos in Las Vegas. I mean, I guess I knew they don’t develop themselves. Anyway, Matthew Perry plays “Alex” and he has sex with Salma Hayek and she gets pregnant. They decide to get married and then later fall in love. You see how they did everything backwards? FUN! What will they come up with next? I wouldn’t say that this movie made me believe that someone that looks like Salma Hayek would sleep with someone that looks like Matthew Perry, but it did make me question how close Las Vegas is to the Grand Canyon. It’s not that far!

Takeaway Quote of the Week

“You’re as cute as me. You are! In some cultures, maybe cuter.”

-Michele Weinberger, perhaps comforting David Schwimmer about his movie career.

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Heath Smith is co-host of Fuzzy Memories, the podcast that celebrates the good, the rad and the fugly of the 80s and 90s. He was once asked by a cast member of MTV’s Road Rules if he was from Puerto Rico. In his free time, he enjoys Mariah Carey a normal and healthy amount. For a good time, follow him on Instagram.

Why "Donzerly Light"? Heath says: In elementary school, I thought "donzerly light" was part of the lyrics of the national anthem. I didn't realize that the actual words were "dawn's early light." I just assumed "donzerly" was an old-timey word that meant "majestic" or something like that. My middle school social studies teacher, who thought I was trying to make a joke with “donzerly,” would be 100% irritated by naming my column this way, and that makes it even better.