"Covers We Didn't Need," Heath Smith

Today on Midwest Weird: A special reading of Donzerly Light, our pop culture column from Heath Smith.

Heath Smith is a special pop culture contributor to Midwest Weird. Heath is co-host of Fuzzy Memories, the 80s and 90s pop culture podcast.

Midwest Weird is an audio literary magazine from Broads and Books Productions. We’re the home of weird fiction and nonfiction by Midwestern writers.

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Episode Transcript:

This is Midwest Weird, an audio literary magazine from Broads and Books Productions.

We’re the home of weird fiction and nonfiction by Midwestern writers.

Today’s episode: A special reading of Donzerly Light, our pop culture column from Heath Smith.

Have you ever heard someone say, “I needed that like I needed a hole in the head”? The first thing I think of when I hear this is that person was probably alive during the Great Depression and has a no-nonsense haircut. The second thing I think of is whether the person who said that really means “another hole in the head,” because technically, we already have five holes in our head – seven if you count your eyes. That statement must really get my gears going because the third thing that it makes me thing of is the long list of cover songs that don’t need to exist.

I’ve got a list of five covers that I find particularly troubling down below (I mean the list is down below, not that they cause me troubles down below), but before we get to that, there are three songs that have been covered too many times and we need to band together as one and go full Susan Powter and stop the insanity. I say that figuratively because, if you take a look around, you’ll see that banding together as one isn’t exactly something that Americans excel at. We’re better at moderating our sugar intake than we are at banding together and the average American ingests about three pounds of sugar a day.

If you’ve ever heard “Smells Like Teen Spirit” by Nirvana and thought you could do it better, you need to go take a cold shower. The cold shower isn’t going to help anything, but it will be an unpleasant experience and that’s the kind of thing a person like you deserves. Yes, I understand that Kurt Cobain is no longer with us so it will never be performed live by the original Nirvana again. That’s it. That’s the end of the conversation. We just need to get used to the fact that we’ll have to listen to the versions that Nirvana recorded and be fine with it. It doesn’t mean that Miley Cyrus should go do a cover of the song (something she actually did) because that will make everyone feel better about Kurt Cobain being gone. It means that Miley Cyrus should do a crossword puzzle or watch an episode of The Rachel Maddow Show and we’ll actually be better off.

Have you ever heard “Imagine” by John Lennon? It’s a pretty great song, right? Maybe one of the greatest of all time! You know what’s not as great? Every cover of the song. Avril Lavigne did a cover of this song and I want to know why our emergency management system allowed that to happen. If Avril Lavigne covering John Lennon doesn’t trigger a code red, what does? This should be treated with the same level of alarm as if a meteor is careening towards Earth or Beyonce tickets have gone on sale. Do you remember at the start of the pandemic when Gal Gadot lead a bunch of actors in a sing-along of “Imagine?” I like Gal Gadot just fine and she’ll always be my Wonder Woman, and I’m certain she had good intentions, but WWYTGG (what were you thinking, Gal Gadot)? That was pretty cringy, like when your coworker shows you a video of their awkward teen delivering an overly --ambitious and exceptionally-under-rehearsed promposal. GG and friends didn’t give me hope for better days. They made me sweat through my shirt and left me damp and alone.

As a devout worshipper at the Church of the Redeemer of Mariah Carey, I pray to Mimi herself everyday and I ask that none of us are subjected to overhead lighting, no one takes a photo of anyone from their bad side and that we’ve seen the last of the covers of “All I Want For Christmas Is You.” As one of the songwriters on AIWFCIY, Mariah Carey gets a check every time someone does a cover and I appreciate that it continues to fund the lifestyle that she deserves. HOWEVER, the idea that anyone would record that song and try to make it their own is tantamount to trying to rebrand the Fourth of July as a holiday to celebrate soups and stews. The worst offenders are the ones who do a slowed down take. What’s next? Are you going to sing a maudlin version of “Happy Birthday” to prove you have range as an artist? You’re so complex and interesting! I don’t think that’s true, but I know how to tell you what you want to hear.

Not everyone can cover songs like Kelly Clarkson can and here are five more examples that express that fact in ways that you don’t want to hear.

“Saturday Night’s Alright For Fighting” Nickelback and Kid Rock – I want to know who’s idea it was to put these two acts together. That’s not a rhetorical question. If you know, please email me at audiologicalassualt@thisisgross.gov. Not since someone dropped some Mentos into a two-liter bottle of Coke has there been a bigger mess. Unlike Mentos and Coke, these two are bad enough on their own. This track appeared on the soundtrack to Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle, a film I was pretty jazzed to see but left me feeling like my Door Dash driver dropped off someone else’s order of Kaopectate instead of my mozzarella sticks. I can’t blame this song for how things turned out with that movie, but it certainly didn’t help the situation. In fact, I think the only thing that Nickelback or Kid Rock has ever helped is filling out the police lineup for a suspected pervert.

“The Star-Spangled Banner” Fergie – I know lots of people sing the national anthem and I’m not sure if all of those are really considered covers, but I’ve decided this version is a cover if for no other reason than the fact that it has taken on a life of its own. Not many people would think to do a deeply horny version of the national anthem, so let’s give Fergie credit for thinking outside the box. Fergie performed this before the NBA All-Star game in 2018. You know you’re in new national anthem territory when the camera shows basketball players trying to keep a straight face during the performance. This happened over seven years ago and I’m still going on and on about it, so I guess she did something right. I mean, you’ll have to pull up the footage and point out to me what she did during this performance that was “right,” but I can make time for that if you can.

“My Prerogative” Britney Spears – There was this thing in the aughts where, when artists would put out a greatest hits album, they’d include a cover song so people had at least one new track to listen to along with all the other stuff that they probably already owned. When Britney Spears put out her greatest hits CD in 2004, she included a cover of Bobby Brown’s “My Prerogative.” I think this was maybe the 19th song that she released to let everyone know that she was now a grown woman and she was going to make her own decisions. I love Britney as much as the next homosexual, but if this was one of the decisions you wanted to make for yourself, I start to wonder if you’re making the right decision. Is this what gave her dad the idea for the conservatorship? Maybe. Does it justify the conservatorship? Absolutely not. Is Britney not a girl, but not yet a woman? My prerogative is, it’s not for me to say.

“Heroes” The Wallflowers – Do you remember The Wallflowers? They’re the band that was fronted by Bob Dylan’s son, Jacob. They were very popular in 1997 and they really had that whole, “I’m so indifferent about EVERYTHING,” vibe down pat. They had a couple of big hits and then someone asked them to record a cover of “Heroes” by David Bowie for the soundtrack to the 1998 remake of Godzilla. Remakes on remakes, as they say. Even after all this time, it’s hard to tell which one was received more poorly: the remake of the song or the remake of the film. In retrospect, we maybe should have seen this coming since the song is about two lovers who risk death to be together in Berlin during the Cold War and the movie’s tagline was “Size matters.” To paraphrase the Target Lady, “It’s not a match!”

“Papa Don’t Preach” Kelly Osbourne – The Osbournes ushered in a new era of reality TV that featured a peek behind the curtain at the lives of celebrities. To the surprise of everyone, including Ozzy Osbourne (who was maybe the most surprised) the MTV show turned out to be an enormous hit. As they say, with the good, comes the bad. In this case, “the bad” is Ozzy’s daughter Kelly’s cover of the Madonna classic, “Papa Don’t Preach.” This was clearly a cash grab from the jump as some producer somewhere was very much trying to make a quick buck off a song that seemingly referenced the relationship between Kelly and her father, even though the song is about teen pregnancy and Kelly Osbourne was barely a teen (definitely not a teen living a typical life) and absolutely not pregnant when she recorded the song. Madonna wasn’t pregnant when she recorded it either, but she also wasn’t starring as “herself” on a reality show. And while Madonna isn’t one of the all-time great vocalists, Kelly Osbourne makes her sound like an Aretha Franklin/Celine Dion shooter with a Whitney Houston chaser.

I'll leave you with this: “Papa, I know you're going to be upset.” – our fathers, collectively, at the mere mention of any of these covers.

Heath Smith is a special pop culture contributor to Midwest Weird. Read his column, Donzerly Light, at midwestweird.com, and get it direct to your inbox when you sign up. Heath is co-host of Fuzzy Memories, the 80s and 90s pop culture podcast.

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