Donzerly Light: Movie behavior

I love going to the movies. Well, most of the time I love going to the movies. The thing about going to the movies is that there’s usually other people there and that means it’s a real crapshoot whether those people are going to behave themselves or act like a mildly inconvenienced Real Housewife who’s on her third chardonnay (aka a loud distraction who’s primary responsibility is to deny some questionable cosmetic surgery choices that made like Christopher Columbus and didn’t settle right).

But one of the good things about the movies is that it’s dark, so you don’t have to think about anyone’s botched eyelift. Why hasn’t anyone ever mentioned that in an Oscar acceptance speech? That’s not a rhetorical question. I demand answers!

I once bought a ticket to the Aquaman sequel because I had the day off from work and figured I liked the first movie well enough, I might as well see this one too. I arrived at the theater a few minutes early and took my seat in the back row like the good patriot that I am. Then some young people came in. They were talking and taking selfies and probably arguing about pronouns, as young people do, and it was almost like I had a premonition like the people at the beginning of a Final Destination movie. I was just certain that this was going to continue for the entire movie, so I got up and left.

I think Jason Momoa is great. I saw him in a restaurant once outside of Joshua Tree National Park and my friend wouldn’t let us talk to him because he thought that would be embarrassing. I don’t think Jason Momoa is great enough, though, for me to sit and listen to some turds carry on for a whole movie. My birthday is on 9/11! I’ve been through enough!

Last summer, I attend the reboot/sequel/requel of I Know What You Did Last Summer and I bring this up not to make you further question my taste in film, but to offer an example of poor movie theater behavior from a group I normally hold in very high regard: lesbians of a certain age. In my experience, lesbians have always excelled in the field of identifying a goal and achieving it. In this case, the goal was watching a movie. But these gals not only failed to achieve the goal, they came in dead last compared to me and the other nine people that were watching the movie. Do you want to know why? Texting. They texted through the whole movie. Who were they texting? I don’t know. Were they texting each other? Possibly. Should they have spent their afternoon sitting at home and texting instead of coming to the movies and being a huge distraction while Jennifer Love Hewitt is trying to scare the bejesus out of us? Absolutely.

Anyway, I bring all this all up today for two reasons. First, I would like to make like Gandhi up in this clerb and be the change I’d like to see in the world. In other words, if I bitch enough about the way people act at the movies, then maybe people will stop acting that way. Second, and this one is probably a lot more obvious: I’m going to list five movie theater snacks and which city they’d choose to host their bachelorette party, were they to have one. OBVIOUSLY.

• Popcorn: Las Vegas – Popcorn knows that it is the most expected movie theater snack and it should come as no surprise to anyone that it’s probably going to pick the most expected bachelorette party destination. Or maybe they picked it because sex work is legal there and popcorn wants to get freaky with someone before they lock it down. Popcorn is so mysterious! Or maybe popcorn is using sex to heal past trauma. Either way, popcorn’s friends are on the hook for plane tickets and hotel rooms and they know damn well that however much that costs is still cheaper than telling popcorn they’re can’t make it. Popcorn never forgets.

  
  

• Raisinets: Palm Springs – Only a raisin disguised as candy would think it was a good idea to take a bunch of their single friends to Palm Springs and bother the local homosexuals for a long weekend. The people of Palm Springs moved there to get away from bachelorette parties and the people who host them! Take your group into Quadz and see what happens. Those gents will take one look at you and your penis straws and serve up a single round of White Claws before asking you to get the hell out.

  
  

• Peanut M&M’s: Austin – Of course Peanut M&M’s would choose Austin. It’s a solid destination for a solid movie theater snack. Much like the very dependable Peanut M&M’s, Austin has the constitution to put up with the shenanigans of a group of people that probably don’t like each other all that much for two or three days. They’ve seen worse and lived to tell the tale. They also like to keep it weird, so they’re probably going to give the bachelorette party some slack when it comes to questionable behavior. To most of us, vomiting in someone’s landscaping might be rude, but I bet the people of Austin would find that endearingly peculiar.

  
  

• Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups: Cabo San Lucas – This is a match made in heaven because you’re both too much. I enjoy a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup, but at the movies? No, thank you. I need to be able to see what’s happening when I’m eating a peanut butter cup. I don’t want to end up with chocolate all over my blouse and not find out about it until I leave the theater at the end of the movie. Also, making someone leave the country because you decided to get married is some top-tier bullshit. Passports should only come into play when it’s voluntary or you’re evading the authorities.

  
  

• Licorice: Newark – I know this is a controversial opinion, but I do not care for licorice. I once heard it described as “congealed cough syrup,” and I suppose that’s fine if you’ve got a cough. But if licorice is cough syrup and you’re eating it when you’re not sick, are you abusing drugs? It’s hard for me to say, but I think that’s something you should discuss with your personal physician. Also, Newark is a perfectly fine city and I’m sure there’s lot of fun things to do there (it’s the home of the “Italian Hot Dog,” which is something I thought you did to someone, not something that you ate). But do you really want to tell everyone that’s where you had your bachelorette party? It’s almost as bad as telling someone you’re going to rehab because of a cough syrup addiction you developed via licorice consumption. To quote Parker Posey’s character in The White Lotus, “Piper, no!”

Takeaway Quote of the Week

“A wise man speaks because he has something to say. A fool speaks because he has to say something.”

-Plato, who would just shit himself if he knew about all these men with podcasts

Heath Smith is co-host of Fuzzy Memories, the podcast that celebrates the good, the rad and the fugly of the 80s and 90s. He was once asked by a cast member of MTV’s Road Rules if he was from Puerto Rico. In his free time, he enjoys Mariah Carey a normal and healthy amount. For a good time, follow him on Instagram.

Why "Donzerly Light"? Heath says: In elementary school, I thought "donzerly light" was part of the lyrics of the national anthem. I didn't realize that the actual words were "dawn's early light." I just assumed "donzerly" was an old-timey word that meant "majestic" or something like that. My middle school social studies teacher, who thought I was trying to make a joke with “donzerly,” would be 100% irritated by naming my column this way, and that makes it even better.