Donzerly Light: Best Breakup Songs

It’s the beginning of the second season of Midwest Weird and to quote Semisonic, “Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end.” (I’ll bet you my Paramount + subscription that that’s the first time that Semisonic has been quoted in 2025.) In any event, I’m dusting off the philosophical musings of a late-90s rock(?) band to segue into a column about breakup songs, aka some other beginning’s end. Buckle up because the season two wordplay is off to a toight start.

One of the great things about a good breakup song is that you don’t even have to be going through a breakup to enjoy it. I mean, I spent half of my time in high school driving in circles around my small town, shouting, “NEVER GONNA GET IT, NEVER GONNA GET IT. NEVER GONNA GET IT, NEVER GONNA GET IT,” along with the funky divas themselves, En Vogue, to all the people who were trying to get my “it,” which amounted to exactly zero citizens. All these years later and there are still people trying to get over being forced to listen to me sing (shriek?) along to that song. If I am someday named as the defendant in a class action lawsuit seeking reimbursement for therapy bills incurred from trauma associated with my off-key caterwauling, I would not be surprised.

But when you’re going through a breakup, a good breakup song reminds you that you’re not alone. In theory, knowing that someone else has also experienced the heartbreak that you’re experiencing, should bring you some form of solace and comfort. So if you ever realize you’re about to get murdered, just remember that lots of other people have also been murdered and the stress and panic will leave your body faster than gas station sushi.

A good breakup song is like duct tape for your brain because it’s useful in countless different ways. It helps you process despair when you’re sad. It makes you feel empowered when you need encouragement. It makes you feel like you’re taller than you really are. (I don’t know if that last one is really true, but neither do you. Objection overruled.)

I’ve certainly convinced you that breakup songs are great, but which ones are the greatest? Breakup songs are just like your kids: it’s very clear which ones are your favorites. My favorite breakup songs are listed below and, just like my favorite kids, I didn’t have anything to do with creating them. I’m clearly not ready for a committed relationship with you, but I’ll love these songs until death do us part.

• "Since U Been Gone," Kelly Clarkson – I wonder how many perfectly good relationships ended just because someone heard this song and wanted it to be about them. While that definitely has a “pick me” sensibility, I still get it. Maybe it doesn’t have a “pick me” sensibility so much as it has a “I don’t pick you” sensibility. Remember when Nicole Kidman said, “Heartbreak feels good in a place like this,” in that weirdly engaging ad for AMC theaters? In this song, Kelly Clarkson makes heartbreak seem like an exercise in joy. If you have never played the drum solo from the bridge of this song on your steering wheel, what are you even doing reading this column right now? Go do the steering wheel drum thing immediately and then come back and finish this column.

  
  

• "All Too Well (10-Minute Version)," Taylor Swift – If you would have told me a couple of years ago that we needed a song that was 10 minutes long, I would have told you that we needed to stick to the topic at hand, which would have most likely been “that video of Henry Cavill putting together a computer while wearing a tank top.” Like the Henry Cavill video, this song is a slow burn. She talks about the good times and gets us invested and then we find out that the love of her life didn’t show up on her birthday like a run-of-the-mill rotten bastard. We all know this song is about Jake Gyllenhaal and he’s lucky it’s only 10 minutes long. I bet she could have made it longer because he was probably a dick about signing a credit card receipt in an incense shop once. Spotify told me I listed to this song more than 90 times last year and I think that was their version of a wellness check.

  
  

• "Nothing Compares 2 U," Sinead O'Connor – The subject of this song is so upset that they spoke to a medical professional and then fully disregarded the advice of said medical professional. It’s like when you go to the doctor and you tell them that you feel like shit and they tell you to get more sleep, eat more nutritious food and exercise. Oh? Taking care of myself is the answer? Quack. Sounds like this doctor wants to find out if a good breakup song helps you cope with being named in a medical malpractice lawsuit. Is a rebound relationship with a hefty financial settlement a healthy path forward? If your former lover isn’t interested in the rich version of you, then at least you can take solace in the fact that it was your personality that drove them away, not your checking account balance.

  
  

• "We Belong Together," Mariah Carey – Dumping someone and then regretting it might actually be worse than getting dumped. I can’t imagine that Mariah Carey has ever had that problem, which makes her convincing performance of this song all the more impressive. I often quote this line from the song: “I didn't know nothing I was stupid, I was foolish, I was lying to myself,” when my husband is trying to get me to commit to a social function that he’s brought up several times already. In the video for this song, she ditches her fiancé at the alter and runs off with another man, all while wearing her actual wedding dress from her first marriage. When you break up with someone, you’re essentially repurposing them, something she can do with a man or a dress. That’s what I call “range.”

  
  

• "Someone Like You," Adele – My husband and I attended a wedding where they played this song and I wondered then, and many times since then, if the DJ just picked songs based on the title alone and then refused to listen to what the song is actually about. The only time this song should be played at  a wedding is outside the venue, in the Air Pods of a despondent ex-lover who is hiding in a bush. And that’s really the vibe of this song – an ex-lover showing up uninvited and then casually trying to make eye contact with you in a non-threatening manner. If you get caught and you can convince them that you weren’t hiding in the bush so much as just existing in the bush, they might actually buy the “non-threatening” claim. It should also be mentioned that they served really good macaroni and cheese at that wedding reception though, so it wasn’t all bad.

  
  

Takeaway Quote of the Week

“You kept me like a secret, but I kept you like an oath,”

– Taylor Swift in “All Too Well” and my Grub Hub driver when I ask for a contactless delivery.

Heath Smith is co-host of Fuzzy Memories, the podcast that celebrates the good, the rad and the fugly of the 80s and 90s. He was once asked by a cast member of MTV’s Road Rules if he was from Puerto Rico. In his free time, he enjoys Mariah Carey a normal and healthy amount. For a good time, follow him on Instagram.

Why "Donzerly Light"? Heath says: In elementary school, I thought "donzerly light" was part of the lyrics of the national anthem. I didn't realize that the actual words were "dawn's early light." I just assumed "donzerly" was an old-timey word that meant "majestic" or something like that. My middle school social studies teacher, who thought I was trying to make a joke with “donzerly,” would be 100% irritated by naming my column this way, and that makes it even better.