Donzerly Light: Daylight Savings

Why can’t daylight savings time just cool it?

I’m just as eager for the end of winter as anyone else who lives in the Midwest, but the one thing about the pending arrival of spring that I am not interested in is daylight savings time. I know that adjusting your schedule by an hour shouldn’t be that big of a problem, but it absolutely is and I’ve got lots of years of experience, aka the school of hard knocks, aka the streets, aka science, to back me up on this.

First of all, let’s break down that name. What daylight is being saved here? This is not a telethon where we’re raising money and the proceeds will go toward feeding the starving daylight all across the globe. The daylight isn’t in danger. It’s not tied up in a windowless room somewhere, waiting for its own demise, as the slow-as-hell trap set up by a third-tier Batman villain is thwarted at the last possible second. The only thing the daylight is at risk of is showing us how cloudy it is outside. Thanks, but no thanks, bro.

The term “daylight savings time” sounds like the name of a sale at a store where they sell minutes and hours. It’s like that thing where your uncle, whose kids won’t talk to him, used to give you a certificate at Christmas that said that he paid to have a star named after you. How do we know that star didn’t already have a name? Did someone take a penis-shaped rocket to outer space and tell the star, “Your name is now ‘Pamela,’” like the star just entered the witness protection program against its will? Did that star turn government informant on the Genovese crime family? On a barely related note, my great uncle once told me that Chicago was the Mexico of Iowa and I would need all of Mensa to even begin to unpack the ass-backwards logic at work there.

But back to daylight savings time. Outside of the fact that it causes nothing but problems, why do we have to reset our clocks at 2:00AM on a Sunday morning? Why don’t we do it at 2:00AM on a Friday morning? It’s a lot easier to power through a Friday with what is essentially government-induced jet lag than it is to do the same thing on a Monday. You make it through Friday and you’ve got all weekend to get used to the new imaginary time that someone just pulled out of their ass.

I don’t want to give daylight savings time any more solutions because it gives me nothing but problems. Speaking of problems, here are a few more things that I think need to just knock it off already. To quote the Nell Carter sitcom from the ’80s, “Gimme a break!”

• Password Suggestions/Generators – These bastards can go straight to hell. I understand that they’re trying to help, but shitting out gobbledygook isn’t a unique skillset. I too can lay my face on a computer keyboard and claim that I’ve made a new password. This is like when you go to the art museum and you see a painting of a blue square and it’s worth $10 million and you realize that you could have done the same thing. The difference is that the person who painted the picture hanging in the art gallery was able to convince someone else that it was art. These password generators have convinced us all that they’re doing something helpful. Sure, hackers might have a tough time figuring out what your password is, but I will also have a tough time figuring out what it is, and you’re actually telling me that information. I know that in the long run, these password generators are probably going to keep me out of trouble, so I guess I’m just going to have to be both grateful and annoyed at the same time and that’s a real emotional burden for me.

  
  

• 5-in-1 Bath Products – Yeah, you read that right. “5-in-1.” It wasn’t enough for these assholes to sell shampoo and conditioner in the same bottle. They couldn’t be happy lying to the public that you could put shampoo and conditioner on at the same time and that it would work the same. They even added body wash and called it “3-in-1,” as if that was some kind of improvement. Is it an improvement to go from having an upset stomach and diarrhea to having an upset stomach, diarrhea and a cough? But now, the bath and body terrorists have come up with one product that they claim serves FIVE purposes! They say it is a shampoo, conditioner, body wash, deodorant and can be used to wash your hands. How do these people sleep at night? Here are five things that they need to put into the bottle where they keep their brains. Number one: this is not deodorant. I will fight you on this point. Number two: your hands are part of your body. Counting hands and body as two different things is some double dipping bullshit. Number three: shampoo and conditioner aren’t the same thing. Number four: shampoo and body wash aren’t the same thing. Number five: body wash and conditioner aren’t the same thing. Case dismissed.

  
  

• Recipe websites – I understand that if you’re running a website, it’s in your best interest to keep people on your page for longer because then you make more money off the ads that are running on your page. Get freaky with capitalism and make that money, girl! But, my God, why do I have to scroll through a thesis on your deeply uninteresting philosophy on kitchen gadgets to get to the tater tot casserole recipe? Oh, and I know that tater tot casserole isn’t a particularly difficult or complicated recipe and the fact that I have to keep looking it up means that I’m part of the problem, but if you’ve got to fill the page with something, please fill it with something interesting. There must be a story about how you met your partner at a tater tot factory or something. Make up a story about how “Ore-Ida” was an eastern European princess before she left it all to marry a potato farmer and build a family. Even just explaining why “tater tots” is your safe word would do the trick! I will personally buy some ads on your webpage if you write up that last one.

  
  

• Previews on streaming services – There are lots and lots of good things about streaming services. They’re still a little cheaper than cable (but those days are numbered). They’ve got lots of options to choose from. Most things you can watch whenever you want. You know what is one of the not good things about streaming services? When they start playing previews WITH SOUND and without warning. Listen, streamers: you know me. You know that I’m going to look around for a good hour before I decide what I want to watch. In the meantime, I don’t need to hear any audio from the content you’re pushing, which was the first thing I saw when I opened the app and the first thing I chose not to watch. I’m aware that I’ve got a mute button on my remote and I’m happy to use it. I’m also aware that that is victim blaming and gaslighting and like a Real Housewife, “I just want to move forward.”

  
  

• Everyone in the airport at any given time – I don’t care for flying. I will do it when it’s necessary, but that doesn’t mean that I’m capable of enjoying it. You know what would make flying more enjoyable for me? If everyone would just chill the fuck out when you’re at the airport. No need to crowd the gate area when they start boarding the plane. We’ve all got to get on this bitch before they leave, so go ahead and re-effing-lax. Oh, you arrived at the airport late and you want to cut in line at security? I’m happy to do my part to accommodate you, but unless this is the last possible flight to get you to your grandmother’s funeral, let’s dial down the histrionics, Raymond. If you get to Disney World a day late because you showed up at the airport late, that’s not a license for you to shout at people like a dingo just took your baby. Also, just airport security in general, why are the rules different at every airport? Like, didn’t you guys all go to the same school? In Chicago, they’re fine with layers, but in Palm Springs, I can’t get on a plane if I’m wearing underwear. And it’s not just the people – the prices at the airport can kiss my entire ass. I shouldn’t have to choose between pushing back retirement by two years or being dehydrated.

  
  

Takeaway Quote of the Week

“Be cool. Don’t be all like…uncool.”

Luann de Lesseps speaking truth to power and being the change I want to see in the world.

Heath Smith is co-host of Fuzzy Memories, the podcast that celebrates the good, the rad and the fugly of the 80s and 90s. He was once asked by a cast member of MTV’s Road Rules if he was from Puerto Rico. In his free time, he enjoys Mariah Carey a normal and healthy amount. For a good time, follow him on Instagram.

Why "Donzerly Light"? Heath says: In elementary school, I thought "donzerly light" was part of the lyrics of the national anthem. I didn't realize that the actual words were "dawn's early light." I just assumed "donzerly" was an old-timey word that meant "majestic" or something like that. My middle school social studies teacher, who thought I was trying to make a joke with “donzerly,” would be 100% irritated by naming my column this way, and that makes it even better.