Donzerly Light: Best Batmans

We live in a time of reboots and reimaginings and I don’t think any character has ever been rebooted or reimagined more than Batman.

Sometimes he’s campy and sometimes he’s super serious and sometimes he’s wearing a rubber suit that features nipples. I feel like there are as many versions of Batman in the zeitgeist as there are different flavor variations of Mountain Dew. Is Baja Blast Batman next?

My first memory of Batman was from watching Super Friends when I was a kid. He spent a lot of his time hanging out at the Hall of Justice with Superman, Wonder Woman and the rest of the team. I spent more time than was strictly necessary wondering if the Hall of Justice was in Gotham City or Metropolis or an entirely different place. If Batman was spending all his time at the Hall of Justice and it wasn’t in Gotham City, then who was watching Gotham City? Had he told Commissioner Gordon that he was going to be out of town for a bit? Was there a Batmobile, Batcopter and Batplane in Gotham City and then another Batmobile, Batcopter and Batplane at the Hall of Justice? Moving all those vehicles back and forth sounds like a logistical nightmare!

“The Hall of Justice is not a single, real-world location, but a fictional headquarters for the Justice League that has appeared in different DC Comics continuities and adaptations, often depicted in Washington D.C., and serving as a public-facing base for the team.” That’s what came back when I Googled, “Where is the Hall of Justice?” Oh, it’s not real, Google? Ever heard of a spoiler alert? I guess it makes sense that it’s in Washington D.C., but if it is, I would think that the Super Friends/Justice League would have caught Lindsey Graham soliciting male sex workers a lot more than they let on.

Rumor has it that, back in the day, people thought it was weird that Bruce Wayne lived all alone in that big mansion and people thought he was gay because he didn’t have a wife. So the comics introduced the character of Dick Grayson/Robin. There’s a lot to unpack here. First, having an adult man who is almost militant about health and fitness invite a younger man to come and live in his giant mansion is not how you dispel gay rumors. That is what you do if you want to help create gay rumors. And the guy’s name was “Dick?” Was “Anal Andrew” already copywritten?

The truth is that Robin was introduced to help the Batman comics appeal to a younger audience and to lighten the tone of the comics. I guess in 1940, when Robin was introduced, young people were very interested in living with someone twice their age. I think they called it “counter culture.” In those days, kids started smoking when they were eight years old, so let’s all just agree to disagree. Psychologist Fredric Wertham wrote an anti-comics book in 1950 called, Seduction of the Innocent, and he’s the one that accused Batman and Robin of being romantically involved. I think it’s evident who is gay, Mr. Wertham and it’s not Batman or Robin. Also, the name of your book is gross. I wonder if anyone has written a book about how fucking weird it is that an adult would get so concerned about whether a drawing was interested in sleeping with another drawing that identified as the same gender.

Someone could also write a book about all the different Batmans throughout pop culture. They could, but they could also just read this essay because that’s what I’m doing. It’s a relatively quick read and then whoever was going to write the book could instead write a book about whether the Wonder Twins powers are lame or cool or they could even write a book about what to do to get everyone to just fucking knock it off for once.*

• Adam West (Batman, 1966-1968) This is the campy version of Batman that I mentioned earlier. He didn’t have nipples on his suit, but he did have eyebrows drawn on his cowl, which is actually sort of fierce. It’s the kind of thing a rich old lady who lives on the Upper East Side in Manhattan would do and everyone would be able to tell they were fake, but she wouldn’t care and if she found out who was gossiping about it, she’d have them disinvited to the Met Ball. I don’t think Adam West’s Batman would be that petty, but I do think he’d find something in his utility belt called, “Bat Basic Bitch Spray” and he’d use it to make them wear clothes exclusively purchased with Kohl’s Cash. This Batman was also a fan of words like “Bang!” and “Pow!” and he didn’t think dancing in public compromised your masculinity.

  
  

• Micheal Keaton (Batman, 1989; Batman Returns, 1992; The Flash, 2023) People had a lot of opinions about Michal Keaton, who was mostly known for his comedic acting, being cast as Batman. Well thank god the internet didn’t exist back then because there would have been too many Reddit threads dedicated to the subject and, looking back, those people would feel like assholes because now we all know that they were wrong. Michael Keaton was an outstanding Batman who proved very capable of holding his own against Jack Nicholson’s Joker. This is probably an unpopular opinion, but I prefer Batman Returns over Batman. Batman Returns is just more fun and it’s got Michelle Pfeiffer’s Catwoman, plus Paul Ruebens plays The Penguin’s dad at the beginning of the movie. Michael Keaton would have come back and played the role again in the third movie, but didn’t want to because Tim Burton wasn’t directing. He’s loyal in movies and in real life!

  
  

• Val Kilmer (Batman Forever, 1995) This movie shifted the character of Batman back into campier territory, as evidenced by the inclusion of Jim Carrey’s hijinks. I still liked the movie though – it seemed like people were having a good time. It just seemed like that though because Jim Carrey and Tommy Lee Jones did not get along on set and neither did Val Kilmer and the director, Joel Schumacher. Jim Carrey and Tommy Lee Jones didn’t get along for the same reason a fourth grader full of sugar and your old man neighbor don’t get along. As far as Val Kilmer and Joel Schumacher, it turns out that Val Kilmer was trying to use method acting to play Batman and that made him a real pain in the ass to be around and even led to them having a shoving match. Can you imagine? Batman shoving a non-criminal? I don’t understand the question and I refuse to respond to it.

  
  

• George Clooney (Batman and Robin, 1997) I rewatched this movie recently and it’s not as bad as I remember it, but it’s still pretty bad. Mostly that’s because of all the puns and double entendres that Uma Thurman and Arnold Schwarzenegger had to say. I like the character of Poison Ivy, but it seems unlikely that someone would be that horny all of the time. This is also the movie that introduced nipples on the Batsuit and I feel the same way about them as I feel about Underwear Night at The Toolshed: I would not have made the suggestion, but I’m perfectly fine that this exists. I will say that it feels like George Clooney is just being George Clooney in this movie, that he’s not even really acting. I think that might have worked in his favor though because, at the time, George Clooney and Bruce Wayne were more or less the same guy.

  
  

• Christian Bale (Batman Begins, 2005; The Dark Knight, 2008; The Dark Knight Rises, 2012) Christian Bale shepherded in Batman’s gritty era that we’re still in today. His choice to make Batman’s voice sound like a garbage disposal who just learned English could have gone poorly, but it worked out. Christian Bale is known for his method acting too and, unlike Val Kilmer, it didn’t get him in trouble with the director. He did get some unwelcome public scrutiny after audio leaked of him screaming at a cinematographer who accidentally walked into a scene during filming on The Dark Knight. I guess playing a fictional vigilante really gets these actors juiced up about shit.

  
  

• Honorable Mentions: Ben Affleck (Batman vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice, 2016; Justice League, 2017) and Robert Pattinson (The Batman, 2022) I had the hots for Ben Affleck for a while a few years ago so I was pretty jazzed when they cast him as Batman. When they did cast him though, he was told to not go on the internet and read people’s reactions, which seems a little like asking someone to marry you and then leaving before they answer. It’s feedback you should consider! I do not have the hots for Robert Pattinson and I think that’s fine because I don’t believe he has the hots for me. His Batman movie was so bleak though. I was half expecting them to give Alfred shingles.

Takeaway Quote of the Week

“Our scars can destroy us, but if we survive them, they can transform us.”

-Robert Pattinson as Batman, either giving someone a pep talk or trying to sell someone a case of Proactiv.

*For anyone reading this, if you have the capabilities, I’m BEGGING you to write this book.

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Heath Smith is co-host of Fuzzy Memories, the podcast that celebrates the good, the rad and the fugly of the 80s and 90s. He was once asked by a cast member of MTV’s Road Rules if he was from Puerto Rico. In his free time, he enjoys Mariah Carey a normal and healthy amount. For a good time, follow him on Instagram.

Why "Donzerly Light"? Heath says: In elementary school, I thought "donzerly light" was part of the lyrics of the national anthem. I didn't realize that the actual words were "dawn's early light." I just assumed "donzerly" was an old-timey word that meant "majestic" or something like that. My middle school social studies teacher, who thought I was trying to make a joke with “donzerly,” would be 100% irritated by naming my column this way, and that makes it even better.