The Best Pairs to Pair

Since this is my fifth column for Midwest Weird, I’m going to spend it talking about the number two. Five ain’t nothing but two point five twos, and that is just math giving me the thumbs up on this endeavor.

The number two is significant in many ways. It’s the only even prime number. It’s the age when people say that kids start becoming terrible (but I challenge you to name an age when kids aren’t terrible). The original name for South Dakota was North Dakota 2, but they changed it at the last minute because they didn’t want people to think they wouldn’t be able to understand North Dakota 2 if they’d never been to the first North Dakota.

The number two often gets a bad rap. It’s regularly used to describe something that is considered “less than.” People don’t love the idea of getting second place. Second place has been described as the first loser. Good for you for getting first place in something, I guess. Your first spouse is rarely a big fan of your second marriage because what you might consider an upgrade is just a dumb skank to them. When you get a new TV and you’re hauling your old TV out of the house, your old TV isn’t thinking, “Thank you for our time together. I wish nothing but the best for you and your new 65” flat screen.” No, your old TV is thinking, “Good luck trying to get your HDMI cable to work on this shiny, new slut. See you in hell!”

Will Smith released a song in 1998 called, “Just the Two of Us,” and it raised my hackles because it was packaged as a love song, but he was singing to his son. I know he wasn’t trying to get romantic with his child, but it was an odd vibe, like having a pair of “dressy” flip flops or intentionally moving to Montana to live alone when you’re not even an emotionally unraveling mathematician/domestic terrorist. Weirder still, by the time that song came out, Will Smith was the father of two. I don’t know if Jaden Smith ever recovered from being left out of that song, but I clearly haven’t.

My favorite part about the number two is that it is also the same amount of people in a pair. All due respect to throuples and orgies, but there’s something about a couple – romantic or platonic – that just makes sense. I know the Mormons aren’t always on board with stopping at two, but round up your sister wives – because the pairs be pairing!

• Thelma and Louise – Vacations are important for everyone, especially women who have to put up with bullshit from men all the damn time. All Thelma and Louise wanted to do was go away for the weekend, and then man after man after man brought them nothing but trouble. You know what’s cool about women? They don’t need men. I was liberated on their behalf, watching them realize that they have run out of fucks to give. In that way, this film reminds me of myself during the holiday season. Shout out to the Grand Canyon for being there for Thelma and Louise when no one else was.

  
  

• The Wonder Twins – I don’t know exactly how Zan and Jana got hooked up with the Super Friends, but my heart tells me it was a meet-cute at a rendering plant. Zan has the ability to turn into water in any form and I don’t know if that’s a good thing or not. I guess it would come in handy if you wanted to make something think they’d peed their pants. I think that’s the whole list of benefits. His sister’s superpower is being able to turn into any animal she wanted. Does trouser snake count as an animal? It’s wild that they have to touch each other to get their superpowers to work. Your brother has to be there for you to turn into a trouser snake? Kids these days. Where do they get this stuff?

  
  

• Batman and Robin – If a rich bachelor wants to invite a fit, young man to come and live with him in his mansion, who are we to judge? In the Batman TV show from the 1960s, they had to slide down a pole (yeah they did) to get to the Batcave. How was the innuendo from more than 50 years ago less subtle than it is now? I hate to say it, but this all sounds very Republican to me. These two, living alone and claiming to be work friends and then sneaking out at night in costumes with built-in abs. And their masks are the opposite of what’s needed to help slow the spread of COVID-19. I guess if they were actual Republicans, they wouldn’t help people when they snuck out at night. They’d be busy complaining about the Woke Mafia and burning copies of Gender Queer that weren’t bothering even one god damn person.

  
  

• Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban – These two always seem like they’re having the time of their lives. It simultaneously uplifts and enrages me, like charades or seeing someone do a real shit job at parallel parking. Escaping the clutches of Tom Cruise is an accomplishment in and of itself, but to then go on and find a sensitive Aussie who knows how to use a flatiron? Extraordinary! Keith Urban’s biggest flaw seems to be being too thoughtful. You know Nicole Kidman just wants to sit in the living room and drink some chardonnay while being pissed at him for eating the rest of the truffles but she can’t because he wouldn’t do such a thing. The nerve.

  
  

• Bert and Ernie – Do you think of Bert and Ernie when you hear the song, “Because You Loved Me,” by Celine Dion? Or is that just me? I know we’ll never see them get married because of Fox News and the fact that they are puppets, but I bet their wedding vows would be DEVASTATING, in the best way possible. I just know they’d include all of the best stuff: making the mundane seem magical, loving the parts that aren’t so lovable (aka feet and/or crepe neck), and carpet picnics. It would be like The Notebook, except without James Marsden cockblocking anyone.

  
  

• Madeline Ashton and Helen Sharp – These two assholes are my heroes! We met Madeline and Helen in the film Death Becomes Her and they are terrible and tragic and more fun than a bowl of pills. They’re serving what Marjorie Taylor-Green thinks she’s serving, but they have at least a couple redeeming qualities, namely a high school education and access to wit. They might be stuck in decaying bodies, but like my thighs on a hot, summer day—they’re stuck together. Viva la Madeline and Helen (so to speak)!

  
  

• Romy and Michele – Getting out of high school in one piece is no easy task and these two did it with aplomb. Or at least they acted like they did it with aplomb, and that’s not too shabby. I know they went to their high school reunion claiming they invented Post-It Notes to prove that they made it, but they could have just told everyone they had a beachfront apartment. If I had a beachfront apartment, I would greet everyone at the reunion by pointing that out immediately. My whole personality would be “beachfront apartment.” If they wanted to know anything else about me, they could start the 18-month process of gradually convincing me to let my guard down. Spoiler alert: it’s more trouble than it’s worth! People talk about meeting their person, but your person doesn’t have to be a romantic partner. Maybe your person is someone who matches your freak with their pants on. Romy and Michele match each other’s freak in original fashions with nice lines and a fun, frisky use of color. All in all, I’d have to say NO NOTES, Post-It or otherwise.

  
  

• Honorable Mention: Mike Pence and the Fly from the October 12, 2020, vice-presidential debate. That fly did what flies do when it saw a piece of shit.

Takeaway Quote of the Week

"Sometimes I wonder, what you gon' be? A general, a doctor, maybe a MC." – Will Smith from “Just the Two of Us” being THE shittiest guidance counselor.

Heath Smith is co-host of Fuzzy Memories, the podcast that celebrates the good, the rad and the fugly of the 80s and 90s. He was once asked by a cast member of MTV’s Road Rules if he was from Puerto Rico. In his free time, he enjoys Mariah Carey a normal and healthy amount. For a good time, follow him on Instagram.

Why "Donzerly Light"? Heath says: In elementary school, I thought "donzerly light" was part of the lyrics of the national anthem. I didn't realize that the actual words were "dawn's early light." I just assumed "donzerly" was an old-timey word that meant "majestic" or something like that. My middle school social studies teacher, who thought I was trying to make a joke with “donzerly,” would be 100% irritated by naming my column this way, and that makes it even better.