Counting Down Cowboys

I don’t find cowboys particularly fascinating, but I do find society’s fascination with them compelling. First of all, I think it’s important that we define the term, “cowboy.” I would say that “cowboy” is someone’s job, but I think most people think of it as a lifestyle, like narcolepsy or choosing to still go to malls. Google says that a cowboy is, “a ranch hand who herds and cares for cattle, typically on horseback, in North America.” Is Google pushing a stereotype? I bet there are lots of cowboys who are very indifferent about their cows. I would be willing to go so far as to say that some of those cowboys think some of their cows are real asswipes. And I bet some of those cows are homophobic, too. They live out in the middle of nowhere! They’ve never seen Elton John or Peppermint Patty or JoJo Siwa. They don’t know any better!

Some of the things that cowboys have to do sound dreadful to me. Apparently they do something called, “grazing management.” So, you watch the cows eat and then what, like, bitch at them because they’re not eating fast enough? That sounds oppressive. They’re cows. Where do they have to be? Let them fucking eat at a reasonable pace. When I was in high school, we had a lunchroom monitor that basically did the same thing. Was he a cowboy, too?

The rest of this list of cowboy duties reads like a job description for a high school teacher: proficiently working cattle on horseback (getting students that hate you to do what you want, while avoiding physical contact at all costs); branding (assigning nicknames to help you tell them apart, like “Emotional Support Eyebrows” and “Regrets Aplenty”); and castrating (an activity which I assume a teacher would find as pleasant as speaking to a parent who is using terms like, “indoctrinate,” “liberty” and “Jesus”).

As most of those parents did around sophomore year, let’s leave high school behind. Let’s talk about some pop culture cowboys and the rootin’, tootin’, good times we’ve had with them. Giddy up!

• Yosemite Sam. That beard! Can you imagine how much work goes into the care and maintenance of that beard? I guess if hair covers your entire face except for your nose and part of your ears, you really want to put in the effort to make it look its best. That much hair on his face makes me wonder if he’s a werewolf, but a fun one, like in Teen Wolf or Taylor Lautner in the Twilight movies. As someone who is always brandishing a weapon and screaming about rabbits, he’s probably not that fun. I bet he’s wild in the sack though.

  
  

• William Munny (Clint Eastwood in Unforgiven). William Munny is a murderer who came out of retirement to kill some guys who injured a sex worker and collect the bounty. I think it’s safe to assume three things about this person based on that sentence: he wished he’d retired later than he did, he needed the money, and he would probably think that the entire Pokémon phenomenon is an enormous waste of time. Can you imagine some guy who looks like Clint Eastwood, taking a break from hunting down someone he plans to kill, to trade Pokémon cards? I’ve never had to hunt someone down to murder, so I guess I don’t know the best way to ease the tension. Maybe it’s trading Pokémon cards. Meditation? Stretching? Journaling? I bet it’s journaling for him.

  
  

• Hanker for a Hunk O’ Cheese. Let’s look past the fact that this cowboy is apparently leading a lifelong crusade against leg day. Let’s also look past the fact that their entire body—skin, eyes, teeth—is the same color. And let’s even look past the fact that their cane is a loaded weapon. Why are they naked except for boots, a hat and a kerchief? Those buttons on their torso make it look like they’re wearing a shirt, but they’re not! Those are just buttons glued to their stomach. They are actively trying to trick us into thinking they’re not naked. Do you ride your horse naked? Because horses can’t give consent, perv! All kidding aside, they can wear whatever they want, but don’t you DARE try to tell me that putting cheese on a cracker is a recipe and you’ve named it a “wagon wheel.” We both know you stole that from Sandra Lee.

  
  

• Woody from Toy Story. Woody has a personality disorder. That’s not a judgement. It’s just an observation. And as an untrained mental health specialist, I have no way of knowing if I’m correct or not. He just has that vibe where he seems really introverted when company is over, but then when you’re alone with him, he loses his shit. I wonder if it’s because he has to wear the same clothes all the time. I would also argue that he’s not a really a cowboy. He’s dressed like one, but I’ve never seen him work cattle while on horseback. I have seen him scream at an astronaut though.

  
  

• Kid Rock. If the word “gross” were ever to come to life, we know what it would look like. I know he’s not a cowboy, but he has a song named, “Cowboy,” and I think that’s reason enough to include him on this list and bitch about him. You know if Kid Rock didn’t get a recording contract, he’d still be scooping the loop in his hometown with teenagers who are all 35 years younger than he is. Do you remember when Pamela Anderson married him? It’s not easy to actually take a step DOWN from Tommy Lee, but she managed to do it. I think his only redeeming quality might be that he looks like Janice from The Muppets.

  
  

• Randy Jones, the cowboy from The Village People. The internet says he’s known for having a mustache and wearing a leather and chain thong. Can you imagine if he ever went on Wheel of Fortune and that’s what Pat Sajak had to say to introduce him? I wonder if he wore one of those once and it just became his personality. Once, my husband asked if I’d ever watched Bridgerton and now I’m constantly accusing him of being obsessed with it. In his defense, he only asked me about it one time, but he REALLY asked me about it. Well, Randy Jones is still alive and he could be watching Bridgerton right now! I love a full circle moment.

  
  

• Ennis and Jack (Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal) from Brokeback Mountain. These two were legitimately cowboys, but I think they were cowboys to sheep, which I think technically makes them sheepherders, but still cowboys in my heart. Taylor Swift and I both want to know why Jake Gyllenhaal was emotionally available for a relationship with Heath Ledger but not with her. She wrote a ten-minute song about it! In Brokeback Mountain, Jake Gyllenhaal keeps Heath Ledger’s shirt and in “All Too Well,” he keeps Taylor Swift’s scarf. Does he buy ANY of his own clothes? I may be blurring the lines between these two pieces of pop culture, but the fact remains: Jake Gyllenhaal must be stopped.

Takeaway Quote of the Week

"You're short on ears and long on mouth." – John Wayne as Jacob McCandles, probably body shaming a shar pei, in Big Jake (1971).

Heath Smith is co-host of Fuzzy Memories, the podcast that celebrates the good, the rad and the fugly of the 80s and 90s. He was once asked by a cast member of MTV’s Road Rules if he was from Puerto Rico. In his free time, he enjoys Mariah Carey a normal and healthy amount. For a good time, follow him on Instagram.

Why "Donzerly Light"? Heath says: In elementary school, I thought "donzerly light" was part of the lyrics of the national anthem. I didn't realize that the actual words were "dawn's early light." I just assumed "donzerly" was an old-timey word that meant "majestic" or something like that. My middle school social studies teacher, who thought I was trying to make a joke with “donzerly,” would be 100% irritated by naming my column this way, and that makes it even better.