As a weird person from the Midwest, I feel I am deeply qualified to write a column for a publication called Midwest Weird. It’s like my whole life has been leading up to this moment.
Let’s examine the facts: that time I was physically touched by a member of the Road Rules cast because he thought I was from Puerto Rico. The time I briefly dated someone who smoked while on the toilet and I told myself (OUT LOUD), “This is fine, right?” Taking fake phone calls while walking through the mall to avoid aggressive kiosk workers. These are all weird things that happened to me, in the Midwest. To paraphrase Cher in the tepidly received 1987 legal thriller Suspect, “I rest my case.”
Is your list of proof of weirdness not as air-tight as mine, but you’re in the middle of the country and you want people to know you’re unusual? Ask them if they believe in ghosts.
To that end, I present to you my list of pop culture ghosts that will make your average, boring, “normal” person think twice about striking up a conversation with you at an unnamed point in the future.
While this is a list of famous ghosts and why they themselves read as “weird” to me, it is not a ranking of the ghosts. Comparing pop culture ghosts is a fruitless exercise, like asking a baby to be polite or trying to figure out the difference between the Chicago shows on NBC. To directly quote Brandi Glanville from season four, episode seven of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, “It’s not a competition, Joyce.”
The ghosts from Pac-Man. I don’t know why these ghosts were so obsessed with trying to kill Pac-Man. They weren’t good at it and I can’t imagine it paid well. Maybe they were socially awkward and this was how they expressed it? I guess it’s better than writing poetry.
Sam Wheat (Patrick Swayze in Ghost). After being murdered, a lot of ghosts would move on to the next realm and try to find Mary Todd Lincoln and ask her if she knew if her husband was gay, but not Sam Wheat. He hijacked the body of a pretend psychic to warn his former lover that she was in danger, girl. He did the right thing, which is downright weird in this day and age (and that one, too).
Boo Berry. Boo Berry knows that he’s everyone’s third choice in monster-themed cereal. The only time you’ll see someone pick Boo Berry is either when Count Chocula and Frankenberry are sold out or when they need their mouth to be blue for the next 90 minutes, for science purposes, or worse—to trick people into thinking they performed a sex act on a Smurf. Still, he seems relatively cheerful for a ghost who people avoid not because he’s a ghost, but because he is the Eeyore of the cereal aisle. Which is weird, but also low-key threatening.
Slimer from Ghostbusters. Do you remember how much of a slut Slimer was for hot dogs? I don’t think that’s what made Slimer weird. I think what made Slimer weird was that he became friends with the Ghostbusters, the very people who imprisoned him. Stockholm Syndrome aside, anyone who could put up with the trail of mucus he left behind was probably worth sticking with.
The Ghost of Christmas Past. If there is anyone in the history of literature who should lay off of reminding people about their mistakes, it’s the Ghost of Christmas Past. No one’s perfect, alright, dude? A lifetime of coke and whores (probably) and now you think you’re the Oprah of the next realm? Delusions of grandeur are definitely weird, sir or madam. I’m glad you found your purpose, but millennials really throw a fit when people have to work on holidays now. I know you’re used to giving advice more than getting it, but I’d consider becoming the Ghost of the Winter Solstice before you get cancelled.
The Ghost of Christmas Present. I don’t want to speak for everyone, but I don’t need a ghost to make me feel anxious about how everything I’ve done and said is pissing people off. My brain’s got that covered, thanks. It makes me feel weird and we’re talking about you being weird right now, Ghost of Christmas Present. You’re going to let me peak into my neighbor’s kitchen to hear them discuss how weird I was by the mailboxes today? Thank you for your service, but no thanks.
The Ghost of Christmas Future. Being needlessly bitchy is weird, especially at the holidays. We’re all doing our best, just to get by! The last thing I need is a ghost who doesn’t understand that anger is often the manifestation of guilt and depression. If you weren’t on the journey, don’t bitch about the destination. Also, why are you spookier than your ghost siblings? Who hurt you?
Takeaway Quote of the Week
“Some things are true whether you believe them or not.” -Nicolas Cage as Seth in City of Angels, not a ghost, but a ghost-adjacent angel, and also a MAGA supporter, apparently.
Heath Smith is co-host of Fuzzy Memories, the podcast that celebrates the good, the rad and the fugly of the 80s and 90s. He was once asked by a cast member of MTV’s Road Rules if he was from Puerto Rico. In his free time, he enjoys Mariah Carey a normal and healthy amount. For a good time, follow him on Instagram.
Why "Donzerly Light"? Heath says: In elementary school, I thought "donzerly light" was part of the lyrics of the national anthem. I didn't realize that the actual words were "dawn's early light." I just assumed "donzerly" was an old-timey word that meant "majestic" or something like that. My middle school social studies teacher, who thought I was trying to make a joke with “donzerly,” would be 100% irritated by naming my column this way, and that makes it even better.
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