"How to Grow a House," LL Kelly

Today on Midwest Weird: “How to Grow a House," by LL Kelly.

LL Kelly currently lives in Minneapolis, Minnesota with her family. When not writing (or reading), she can be found working on new tricks with her dog, crafting, or gardening.

Midwest Weird is an audio literary magazine from Broads and Books Productions. We’re the home of weird fiction and nonfiction by Midwestern writers.

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Episode Transcript:

This is Midwest Weird, an audio literary magazine from Broads and Books Productions.

We’re the home of weird fiction and nonfiction by Midwestern writers.

Today’s episode: “How to Grow a House" by LL Kelly. Read by the author.

How to Grow a House (For Beginners)

So you’ve decided to grow your own house – congratulations! You’re about to embark on a beautiful and fulfilling project. Growing a house can also be challenging though; it’s not like they can grow themselves! Follow our guide for beginners to get a great foundation of knowledge on what a house needs, how it grows, and what to expect.

Where to start?

It’s important to start with style! When you are searching for your house seed, you will discover that much like apples there are dozens of different house varieties. Do you want a rambler? A cottage? MCM? Tudor? Farmhouse? If you’re not sure what those are, you’ll definitely want to start with our How to Identify House Varieties (for Beginners) book and come back to this step afterward. While you’ll absolutely be able to adjust the details of your home down the line, major style changes can be difficult if not impossible to implement due to the massive internal structural needs. It is much, much easier if you select a variety you like and stick with it: both you and your house will be much happier together if you don’t have to put it through major reconstructive surgery down the line.

Keep in mind as well that a house is not mature enough for reconstruction/structural changes for at least a decade after it reaches its final stage of maturation. (More on this in the section on House Life Cycles.)

Once you have selected a style, then it is simply a matter of finding a seedbearer nearby that matches the style you’ve chosen. Your state will have a list of licensed seedbearers on their website or available through their Housing Department. Prices will vary based on both the variety and age of the parent house: just like people, houses have an ideal age range for reproduction. (That ideal range can be extended significantly if the house is meticulously cared for, so you may see some seedbearers listed as much older than expected. Make sure you see pictures or visit the house in question in person in order to confirm the health of the house.)

The other important starting ingredient is space! You need to have a designated plot for your seed to grow in for at least the first five years – ideally the house’s permanent location. A house can be moved once it has emerged from the growth sack, but it is an incredibly challenging process to do successfully. (For more on moving a house, see the section on House Life Cycles.)

The amount of space needed will depend on the variety you’ve selected. Consult with style guides and/or the seedbearer for details on how much space your selected variety will require to fully mature. Most houses require a minimum of ¼ acre, though there are miniature varieties available these days that fully mature on less. Again, refer to the needs of your selected variety.

What to expect? - House Life Cycles

Once you’ve purchased your seed and your space, you’re ready to start growing! We recommend planting the seed in the spring, though in more temperate/dry zones this matters less. The seed must be at least three feet/one meter down in the ground, so planting must be done when the ground is not frozen solid. The seed requires the most attention in the first three to six months, so it is easiest to care for it when weather patterns are not keeping everyone inside. Plant your seed in the center of where you want your house to be – seeds grow in every direction, and if they run into a block it could severely stunt the growth and lead to a misshapen house.

We also recommend planting some of your seed’s necessary supplies with it: specifically, sawdust and concrete powder. This will ensure your seed starts growing immediately. Essentially, you’re providing a type of nutrition, which the seed absorbs and reconfigures into the structures it needs to grow.

Once in the ground, house seeds require a steady application of various materials. Depending on the style of house you’ve selected, your seed may require more or less of a specific material. For example, if you choose some MCM styles, your seed will need much more sand than a cottage style. A log cabin style home will require more sawdust, some Colonial styles will require more brick, and Tudors would require both. Refer to the seed packet you received from your seedbearer for information on what supplies your seed needs (and when – see below for more information on timing).

For the first 3-6 months, you won’t see much change in your land where you planted your seed. That is normal! Don’t panic! If the supplies you are providing are being absorbed at a regular rate, then your seed is growing, even if you can’t see it. Remember, houses need to grow below ground as well as above! Your seed is starting to build its foundation during this time. This is called the germination period.

As this period of growth comes to an end you will start to see a mound rising as the house seed continues to grow and expand. You do *not* need to climb the mound in order to continue providing materials to your seed – placing it anywhere on top of the mound will do, and your seed will still be able to absorb and redistribute those materials as needed. The germination period ends when the seedling breaks through the crust of the earth and is visible.

Once you are able to see something protruding from the earth, don’t worry about what it does or does not look like. It won’t look like a house yet! It’s still a baby, still growing and building and creating. What you’re able to see is the growth sack, which encloses your house seedling like butterfly’s chrysalis both above- AND below-ground. The growth sack ensures that the seedling is still able to redistribute supplies to where they are needed, regardless of where they are placed around the sack’s outer edges. During this time, all you need to do is make sure the pile of supplies is touching the exterior of the sack, and they will be absorbed. This is called the seedling period.

Footnote: we recommend placing your material piles in a different location along the exterior each day whenever possible. There is some evidence that if the materials are always left in the same location, the seedling will grow more in that direction than the others, which can lead to warping and structural weaknesses later in the house’s life.

Some supplies are used at specific times in the seed’s growth, others are used consistently throughout. For example, as your house seedling gets larger, it will start to need more metals for electrical needs and insulation for, well, insulating! Later in the seedling stage is when most houses want sand as well, as the varieties with fewer windows will not start shaping those until later in their growth period. There are multiple options for managing the varying material needs of your house: generally the information from your seedbearer’s packet will include a rough timeline of when specialty supplies will be needed.

As your house continues to grow, the growth sack will become more and more transparent. This is normal, and a sign that your house is growing healthy and strong. Eventually, the sack will become transparent enough for you to see the general shape of a house inside, and corners will start to really stretch out of the sack.

Note: If you need to move your house seedling from the spot initially planted to a different permanent location, it should be done when the corners become visible but before you can clearly see through the skin of the sack. The reason for this timing is twofold: first, your house has not fully rooted to the ground, so it will be easier to pull up at this stage. Second, your house is grown and stable enough to be moved, but still contained in the growth sack to protect it from any potential bumps and bruises. It is imperative that the move not be done too late: if the growth sack has started to dry, it could rupture during the moving process, and your premature house may experience difficulties immediately or later in its life. Moving a house at any time in its life is an incredibly delicate and challenging task best left to professionals.

At the end of the seedling stage, the growth sack will begin to dry out and eventually the corners of the house will poke through it. Do NOT pick at the sack or the corners – premature popping can cause serious issues for your house. It will emerge on its own time, and the growth sack will slough off naturally within a week or two of the initial puncture. There is nothing you need to do at this time but give your house space and time as it takes its first breath of fresh air: additional materials are no longer needed at this point, and the growth sack will be absorbed into the roots of the house shortly after it falls to the ground.

Once your house has fully reintegrated the growth sack, it’s time to move in! Many houses will quite literally open their front door the moment they’re settled, so if the door is open you can enter the building. Your house is officially mature!

It is very important to introduce yourself when you enter your new house for the first time, especially with newborns. Older houses who have seen multiple families come and go understand what is happening and tend to adjust very quickly, but a brand new house will require some extra care. Introduce yourself both out loud and via touch, any place you would expect a hand to sit. The dual greeting will help solidify a positive relationship with your house as you present yourself as a friendly being in the house’s space. If there are strong negative feelings in you or your family, we would recommend introducing yourself on a different day, as houses are incredibly empathetic and our psychological connections can influence first impressions, even unconsciously.

You will know when the house is “saying hi” back to you. There is no one way that houses greet humans, but it has always been blatantly obvious. Sometimes it’s a low groan, sometimes it’s a waving cupboard, sometimes it’s a knocking in the walls – sometimes it’s even as obvious as a changing wall color. You will know it when you see it!

Once the house has greeted you back, you can begin moving your stuff in if desired. However, many people take this opportunity to evaluate the natural growth of the house – the layout, the colors, etc – and determine if anything needs to change in order for it to function as their homebase. Keep in mind that a young house cannot make major changes, let alone many or quickly, so any change at this point would have to be a “need”, not a “want”. Also keep in mind that your house wants your approval: you’re its first tenant, its first family, and its first experience with the world at large. A minor change here or there – say, moving the back door from one corner of the room to another – won’t affect your house much, but asking it to completely reshape itself immediately would be quite the blow to the confidence.

Footnote: Metaphorically speaking. Scientists are unsure if houses experience confidence as humans do, or a number of other emotions, but there has been enough evidence of the negative impact of immediate changes to suggest there is something going on internally.

Additionally, any structural changes will take time and prevent you from being able to move into your new house, which most people do not want to delay further. Coloring or minor styling changes can usually be implemented even as you move in, as the house doesn’t need to rebuild anything necessarily, just recolor or reshape slightly, but keep in mind the number of requested changes will directly impact how long it takes the house to implement those changes.

Lastly, there are some renovations that a brand new house simply is not capable of implementing. These seem to mostly be major renovations, things that would completely change the house in some way or another. If you’re unsure if your house is too young for a renovation, assume it is until you talk to a housing expert. Additions, expansions, and structural changes should not be attempted before the house reaches 10 years old, at minimum.

So, keep your initial evaluation to the absolute basics, absolute needs, and be specific with the house about what you want to change. Don’t forget to include the ‘why,’ too! Studies have shown that tenants who explain the reasoning behind their requests typically get a better final result AND have a more interactive relationship with their house.

A house can typically handle 3-4 minor changes per year, or 1-2 major changes. For major changes, especially major structural changes like additions, you will need to provide your house with supplies and materials again. After all, it can’t build a whole new room if it doesn’t have the supplies to do so! A house is not like a plant; it will not automatically constantly grow in size throughout its life. If you would like to change the size of your house, you will need to help it achieve that change by providing the necessary materials (at bare minimum).

Now, if you’re hoping to recolor the entire interior of your house, for example, you can absolutely do some actual painting yourself! Houses thrive on the energy of a tenant implementing changes by hand: we recommend doing this at least once in your house so you can experience the difference. Some people call it a glow, some call it pure joy – whatever it is, you will be able to feel your house’s gratitude without question.

Houses thrive on energy in general, any energy at all: whether it’s kids having a birthday party or adults having a game night, the energy of living, of experiencing life, is what will keep your house happy and healthy now that it is mature. Keep in mind that there are dozens of different ways to provide energy, so even an introvert will have no problem keeping their house happy. If you love your house, your house will love you back.

Footnote: This is why houses will only die if they are left abandoned for a long period of time: it takes months or years for them to pass away, and even then scientists are fairly sure that most houses slip into a hibernation before or rather than actually dying, as many have been brought back to life by judicious manual renovations and incredibly active tenants.

As your house matures, it will start to participate in annual house reproductive cycles. In the winter months, houses release something vaguely similar to pollen into the air.

Footnote: There is a hypothesis that winter is the chosen time for this release because it creates less confusion and competition with tree and other plant pollens. Not that houses and trees even COULD cross-pollinate, but less particles and leaves in the air in general means that the house-pollen can travel farther and more effectively.

Some houses will experience glimmers of light during the release of their pollen. These typically occur along the edges of rooflines and trim, where the pollen is blown out into the air. Colors, speed of the flicker, and even size can vary wildly – even within similar house varieties! There is no right or wrong way for these lights to appear, so don’t worry or panic, and just enjoy the show.

In the spring, you will find objects almost like icicles hanging from your house’s roofline: depending on your climate they may indeed be icicles, but some are most certainly seedpods! You’ll be able to tell the difference visually upon close inspection: seed pods contain an almost rectangular dark spot somewhere within them, whereas icicles are usually clear from root to tip. Of course, icicles will also melt when in hand, and taste like water, but we don’t recommend plucking or licking anything hanging off your roof to determine what it is. If it is a seedpod, it will taste like sawdust or stone (depending on the variety), and if it’s an icicle it may have contaminants from rain or snow or other airborne chemicals – and nobody wants to lick either of those!

If you’re unable to get close enough to spot the rectangular seed within, you can usually determine which are seedpods by mid-spring, as the icicles will be melting down and the seedpods will continue to grow in size. Seedpods will also retain a somewhat square or rounded end, rather than tapering to a sharp point like icicles do.

For young houses (less than 15-20 years old), the seeds being produced are usually weak and unviable. This is why seedbearers of those ages typically are not seen on the market: they simply haven’t fully matured yet. Many people call this the “teenage years” of a house, since it is considered both fully grown and yet not fully matured at the same time. Thankfully, houses do not seem to go through the sullen phase many human teenagers do!

Regardless, the seedpods will naturally fall off the house at the end of spring/beginning of summer and be reabsorbed where they fall. At this point even in your house’s first reproductive cycle, the foundation of the house extends deep in the soil like roots, and renovation materials and seedpods alike only need to be within the shadow of the house in order to be absorbed by it. If you have a pile of wood for bonfires, for example, or other materials you need to store nearby that are *not* for the house, make sure you explain that to the house before leaving the pile unattended. Very young (less than 5 years old) houses especially can struggle with this, so we recommend storing important/expensive raw material in a garage, container, or elsewhere for the first few years, just in case.

As a house ages, their seeds will become stronger and healthier each year until they are fully viable. Some varieties also increase in size somewhat!

At 20 years old, your house is fully mature on all fronts:

● Any seeds produced would be viable and capable of growing a fully functional new house.

● The psychoempathetic communication skills are fully developed, allowing tenant and house to have simple but complete conversations.

● The construction skills are fully developed, allowing the house to take on any major renovation given the appropriate materials and enough time.

Eventually, any house will start showing signs of age. Typically around 50 years old is when houses start to struggle with construction skills and need more manual assistance. This is completely normal, and typically very minor. Major projects may simply take a little bit longer than they used to, or the house may only be able to work on one project at a time. Again, manual assistance can make a huge difference in the energy of your house, so if you feel your house is flagging, we would definitely recommend taking on a few projects yourself to boost it.

Reproduction begins to slow around 75 years old as well: viable seeds are still produced, there are simply fewer of them. Extremely old houses have even been known to skip a few years, only to bounce back with new, healthy seeds again. As far as we can tell with current information, houses will stop producing seeds by the time they hit 150 years old, but that number could vary depending on the care and variety of the house in question.

Interestingly, even as construction and reproductive skills begin to wane, communication skills continue to increase. No house has ever developed a mouth and spoken to humans – they’re just not *built* that way! – but the psychoepathetic communication with tenants, especially long-term tenants, becomes almost completely telepathic and integrated with day to day existence for the humans. Houses have alerted their humans to attempted burglaries and medical emergencies even as the humans slept, because their communication and connection was so strong and clear. Humans have dreamt of putting out a fire, only to wake and learn that the house had put out the fireplace after it misbehaved the night before. Recent studies even suggest that houses have been known to repel or attract new tenants during their tour, essentially deciding for themselves who will be their next resident.

Very, very rarely, a house will discuss end of life with its tenant. This is typically due to age or injury, and each conversation is wildly unique. Housing experts can help a tenant whose house has requested information or aid on this topic. Abandonment of a house in that situation is a crime punishable by fines and/or jail time.

Footnote: This was established by an incredibly controversial court case in which the defendant argued that houses were like plants and therefore did not need “end of life care” like a pet or person would. Thankfully, ample evidence had been collected at that point of the consciousness of houses, and therefore they were granted sentient status. Houses may have co-evolved with humans somewhat like dogs did, but their ability to recognize their own lives (even if it takes a few decades) put them in a whole new category. Controversy still abounds around our “use” of houses, despite the fact that they cannot seed or grow without human aid.

Congratulations!

You are officially ready to grow your own house. You have an amazing journey ahead of you, so get to it! That house isn’t going to grow itself!

If you want to learn more about houses – their co-evolution with humans, our written history, legal battles, famous houses, etc – check out our Intermediate Books!

● Houses and Humans: a History

● Framed: The Biology of Houses

● Have I Been Here Before? Famous Houses of Film

● Haunted Houses: Infamous Crimes, Criminals, & the Houses that Remember Them Still

LL Kelly currently lives in Minneapolis, Minnesota with her family. When not writing (or reading), she can be found working on new tricks with her dog, crafting, or gardening.

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