Donzerly Light: TV Doctors

The difference between real life and how real life is portrayed on television is vast. I’m not only referring to reality shows, but I do think that the average woman in her 50s shouts at her contemporaries while wearing an evening gown a lot less in real life than the Bravo TV network would have us believe.

Real life is often unappealing and we need our TV shows to make things seem better than they are. That being said, a lot of TV shows take the exact opposite route and make life seem a lot worse than it is. The Handmaid’s Tale, for example, will be more depressing than real life for maybe another year or two until it just turns into real life. LOL – what a fun and sexy time for us!

So the conclusion here is that when real life situations are presented on TV, we either want them to be portrayed as a lot better than real life or a lot worse. Maybe TVs know that the fastest way to get thrown out of a window is to show someone an accurate reflection of themselves. I’ve got mirrors and, in a pinch, the shinier side of aluminum foil for that, TV. Stay in your lane.

Medical shows have consistently shown up in either the, “Aren’t hospitals fun!” category or the “I ran some tests and it turns out that tingling in your leg is from the 10,000 spiders that have been living inside it,” category. You know, equal but different. Needless to say, people enjoy visiting a TV doctor’s office way more than the real thing. You can tune into a TV doctor’s office and not find out that you’ve got six months to live. Real doctor’s offices can’t really compete with that.

When I was a teenager, my mom noticed a lump in my neck that was about the size of a pea. She made a doctor’s appointment for me and I didn’t think much of it because I was a teenager and I wasn’t thinking much of anything and definitely not about what kind of diseases my neck was harboring. At the appointment, the doctor made me take my shirt off for reasons that were unclear to me because my neck was fully out of my shirt, as necks normally are when you’re wearing a “D.A.R.E.” t-shirt that was meant to be ironic (but I’m not sure it was because I was, in fact, not on drugs). He poked around for a couple minutes and then said, “It might be cancer. We’ll refer you to a specialist,” and then he left the room. For any doctors reading this, if this is something you do, you should stop because it makes breaking up with someone via Post-It Note seem like a humanitarian aid mission.

One more doctor’s appointment and a few needles later and it turns out that I did not have cancer. I did, however, have a mild form of mononucleosis that I didn’t notice because I apparently just thought I was tired for a few weeks. That story arc would actually be a pretty good fit for a TV show about doctors. A little drama, someone is topless, a mystery to solve and then a happy ending. Considering that my current doctor conducts physical examinations from about five feet away and seems to subscribe to the philosophy that if you feel fine, you probably are fine, I think I’m going to chalk it up as a win because two medical professionals actually paid attention to me.

But since we’ve established that TV doctors and their offices are more fun than the real thing, let’s get back to them. Specifically, let’s discuss the TV doctors (and a physician’s assistant) that are more than welcome to give me a second opinion.

• Dr. Michaela Quinn (Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman) – A lady doctor in the old west? Was that even legal then? I choose to believe it was. All the best parts of the old west were because of women. Dr. Quinn. Sacajawea. Pocahontas. The Olsen Twins in How the West was Fun. I didn’t log much time on the couch watching Dr. Quinn, but my research indicates that she went by “Dr. Mike” and that the people in town weren’t thrilled that their doctor was a woman. Here’s an actual quote from the online description: “What's worse is that Dr. Mike is an outspoken humanitarian, supporting the minorities of Colorado Springs and having sympathy for barmaids (prostitutes).” She’s like a republican’s worst nightmare come to life! She also had three children, all with different fathers (and different mothers – they were orphans!). When Ghandi said, “Be the change you want to see I the world,” he was clearly talking about Dr. Quinn.

  
  

• Dr. Leo Spaceman (pronounced spa-CHE-min, 30 Rock) – If the people in the old west had a problem with Dr. Quinn because she was a woman, they probably would have been absolutely fine with this quack. Did you know that animal blood from meat keeps the human spine straight? Nobody knows that because it isn’t true, but Dr. Spacemen believes it anyway. He also believes that medicine is not a science so he’ll probably be the Surgeon General of the United States any minute now (if he’s not already). He definitely brings an added zestiness to the concept of a mediocre white man who possesses more confidence than he deserves or knows what to do with. I bet he wouldn’t even know what to do if you showed up at his office because you got a false positive pregnancy test result after eating too many knockoff-Cheetos that contain evaporated bull semen in the ingredient list. Actually, he might be the only person who would know what to do.

  
  

• Ron (St. Denis) – “Who’s Ron?” you ask? Ron asked me the same question about you! Ron, as played by David Alan Grier, is just trying to get through the day and doesn’t need someone else asking a bunch of questions about him. “Who’s Ron?” “Where’s Ron?” “What’s Ron’s last name?” Ron apparently doesn’t have a last name and that puts him in one of two categories: Legendary Divas (Cher, Madonna) or Off The Grid for Unclear Reasons (Mrs. Claus, Robocop). Ron has seen it all and I feel like he would have been more than fine with just seeing about 35% of it. He’s seen sites and experienced things that he wanted no part of, but he’s still out there, fighting the good fight. Maybe it’s more accurate to say that he’s out there having a heated discussion with as much enthusiasm as he can muster. Even when he’s phoning it in, I’d still take his medical advice over Dr. Spaceman’s any day.

  
  

• Jeanie Boulet (ER) – Jeanie Boulet is a physician’s assistant and I understand that the primary difference between a physician’s assistant and a doctor is that a physician’s assistant works under the supervision of a doctor and, when you think about it, the job title makes that pretty clear. When we first met Jeanie on ER, she was having an affair with the heir to the Soul Glo dynasty (or at least the actor that played the heir to the Soul Glo dynasty). Her side piece, Dr. Peter Benton, was real persnickety – a quality that, according to an actual thing said to me by my mother, will make people think you’re gay. I think it is my deep and profound gayness that makes people believe I’m gay, but we’ll agree to disagree. No one thought Dr. Benton was gay, but they did wonder if he had contracted HIV, as Jeanie unknowingly did from her husband. Extramarital affairs are always pretty dicey business, but Jeanie’s husband was such a turd that they had to hire two different actors to play him. I don’t know which one she actually contracted HIV from, but I hope she brought that up in the divorce settlement and then she took him for every cent.

  
  

• Dr. Douglas “Doogie” Howser (Doogie Howser, M.D.) – I can’t even tell you how much of a fit I would throw if I showed up at a doctor’s appointment and a 14-year-old came into the exam room and asked me how I was feeling. Even if I wasn’t at the doctor and a 14-year-old asked me that, I’d probably lock myself in my house for three days. Based on my experience with 14-year-olds, they don’t give a shit about how I’m feeling and if they ask me, I’m going to assume they want to rob me or they want me to buy them booze and I’m not going to willingly participate in either of those activities. I know most of the show depicts his life from the age of 16 on, but a 16-year-old doctor sounds slightly less absurd than a 14-year-old one. At least the 16-year-old could drive me home after the appointment if I needed a ride. Is that breaking the Hippocratic oath? Can someone under the age of 18 even be held accountable for oath stuff? If a minor breaks the Hippocratic oath, do their parents lose their medical license? This show has more questions than answers. There was an episode of this show that dealt with gang violence and I bet that has aged about as well as a kid who was thrust into adulthood at a too early age. At least we know that Dr. Howser can afford therapy on his doctor’s salary.

Takeaway Quote of the Week

"I have come to the conclusion that there are only two reasons for ever doing anything. One is love, the other is fear." —Sister Julienne, Call the Midwife, suggesting what must be a very strange relationship with the activity of taking out the garbage.

Heath Smith is co-host of Fuzzy Memories, the podcast that celebrates the good, the rad and the fugly of the 80s and 90s. He was once asked by a cast member of MTV’s Road Rules if he was from Puerto Rico. In his free time, he enjoys Mariah Carey a normal and healthy amount. For a good time, follow him on Instagram.

Why "Donzerly Light"? Heath says: In elementary school, I thought "donzerly light" was part of the lyrics of the national anthem. I didn't realize that the actual words were "dawn's early light." I just assumed "donzerly" was an old-timey word that meant "majestic" or something like that. My middle school social studies teacher, who thought I was trying to make a joke with “donzerly,” would be 100% irritated by naming my column this way, and that makes it even better.